the dissolution of wanting…

sorrow.  loss.  still happening.  it’s not quick.  i have moments of serendipitous movement.  words flow out, ideas…and when i think i’ve got it, the next book, i feel exuberant, even while steeping in the sorrow of loss.  last night i thought i got it.  though when pulling this morning, it showed the hang man.  this is the part where i wait for the story to plant itself in my heart and shoot up to my brain, flowering for me to see.  this is also the part where i say goodbye to a love.  life, continually you play the trickster.  he is wise enough to see with me. makes it even harder.  we are mates of the soul, through out time.  he and i chose to partake of this lesson together, on another level…is how it feels to me.  lessons.  i am lesson oriented.  it’s my north node capricorn and jupiter capricorn, giving me a taste for learning.  you know what i find most interesting?  is how i cannot escape who i am, even when i really, really try.  do you know how many times i have rebelled against my own nature, in experimental attempt to see if i could change at will?  so many times, i have a collection of boomerangs in my closet, that pile into a small mountain.  today, on the mat, i let go.  our teacher suggested we soften today, not push to our edge, not force, but instead…allow our bodies to move into the pose without effort.  before class, i dipped into a book for a message, and it was about cultivating the witness.  i am not my thoughts.  i experienced this in new york city, with such intense emotion, that it branded into my being, a feeling of finding myself in my breath.  today, on the mat, i found myself in my breath, again.  i softened.  hello heart ache, loss, lessons, the hanged man, the emperor, surrendering to what is…creating a clear masculine map based upon reason, because my feminine intuition felt the future and knew what was needed in the now.  i am implementing.  shekinah.  alone.  but not alone.  love like stone, lives without budge.  i stopped kicking and screaming today.  pastis shed her cloudy yellow light upon my lips.   repeating too many times,”i want this.” the story about lady bugs.  how the little girl wanted them more than anything, but they were nowhere to be found, so she fell asleep, and when she awoke, lady bugs surrounded her.  what does it mean to sleep?  does it mean to dream?  neptune grips my consciousness.  the waters are silver and rolling in double sided, infinite waves.  i come back to being a blue lunar storm, catalyzing self generation.  yoga, writing, working, teaching, drinking, eating, swimming, laying in the sun, spending time with my family, painting.  happy to see one of my favorite photographers, sucka pants, in a few weeks!  i’ve followed his work for years, and now he will be here on a book tour.  his photographs of buildings, landscapes, and people, inspire me from the deep, where those glowing eels are.  the man with turquoise eyes says, “your first beloved is she,” meaning me, meaning shekinah, meaning the universe, oneness.  the names have become worn out, and near dissolution….i write the names only to convey what i mean.  it is time for new words to breathe…