unbridled blog of a raw heart…

all i have are these words…she says dramatically.


words, according to the phenomenologists, are alive.  this might not be true, but that’s how i took it, when i studied that sect of philosophical ideology.

words are living beings, i am sure is not what they meant, per se.  though, it is what i mean, and i am a rogue phenomenologist, as i too, feel that truth is the relationship between self and other.  self being human, for us.  there are many kinds of selves to be though…

point being, life reveals to me truth, as i live it and experience it….

i am learning how to be rational, as a truth….not that i haven’t before.  it’s not about being rational…no…not that…it’s about making choices from the rational.  engaging my masculine energy.  choosing based on what i rationally know to be true about what i need, is a journey i am on…

and of course (she rolls her eyes from knowing all too well), this would mean, having to let go of a love that is ages deep, familiar, and close.  this is the alchemy.  it hurts so much.

you want miracles to occur because you cannot believe this is happening.

yet it is….

rational masculine sea fairing navigator knows…his needs are my needs too, in all the essential areas: sexual, emotional, mental, and spiritual.  does not always mean similarity.  though with the more animal and soul needs…it needs to be similar, as to not create extreme chafing.  only the more heady and egoic or personality based essentials can withstand differences, and perhaps use them as a source of positive passion and growth…

she says, looking through her clear colored glasses.

do you know how hard this journey is?

fucking hard.

for two reasons.  one: letting go of love.

need i say more?

and two: creating new neural pathways.  this is working magic.  running new energy.  making choices using the masculine is what’s new for me.  and the correction.  for the masculine naturally navigates.  it’s his specialty.

where as the feminine, she is the one who understands and feels integrity, checking for it.  my feminine energy knows when something feels off or not flowing.  and masculine me knows how to navigate through the block or place of discomfort, based on what the feminine me, tells the masculine me…

luckily i am married to myself, true love with me means masculine me trusts and listens to feminine me’s wisdom, while feminine me trusts masculine me to be the navigator…

this is life, as the scared other, revealing truth to me.  within, as my feminine and masculine energies…and outwardly…as whom i love, the universe, karma…

relate to me right now…

for this real live fervent passionate experience, puts us to our knees, like leonard cohen wrote.

it’s not always about having it forever…even though you do in your heart….

sometimes the relationship, it changes.

it has to change….dammit.

to hear everything i want to hear, from someone new.  an earth angel.

something not quite flowing here.  complexity.  a mosaic.

another real live spiritual experience happening in the moment….

who am i now?

i know the pain, yes, i feel it as much as you do….i do…..i do….i do….

i hate when a song suddenly tells me it’s gonna be a theme.  it’s like a supernatural experience when it happens.  listening to adele, we could of had it all…rolling in the deep…..

if one thing is off, the whole thing comes tumbling down….

that band of horses song….things start splitting at the seams and now, the whole thing’s tumbling down…nobody’s gonna love you more than i do…someone….

they should have warned you….

oh my heart.

this blog is really candid and transparent, and maybe too much so…..though i feel compelled to share…

our soulmates….they are important.

this is as real as it gets.

i am a phenomenological devotee…feeling life wake me up with this love and loss of love and hearing how he wants to give it to me…and the psychism….the forty three….the blue bird…..the knowing….the real knowing…that everything is going to be ok….and like that pufferfish song….decoder ring…..i feel with my cells….that if i fall down, we fall….so now that we are aware of our love….we both must rise…and keep walking…

someone….they should have warned you…

the man with turquoise eyes says, “you are not so much seeking, as you are peeling back the layers.”

i feel the magnificence of life torture my memory with grief and inspire my desire with surges that course through the most secret places, asking to be brought to fruition, to blossom into the flower and fruit that is life being me…

finally.  i feel blessed to have grown up with all that pain…because it brought me directly to the primordial goo, the center of the universe in my blood, where i could feel the single cell bacteria break away from the globular mother, and reach up toward an older home in the star’s memory of being spit through a black hole, taking an inhale for the first time, receiving a name, and getting immediate amnesia from the swift transformation of turning from one being into another…

that is what we are forced to do….

i love you.