full moon speak…

the milky grey sky hangs weighted over the buildings outside my window.  feeling the same.  grey and weighted.  full moon.  mooning.  perhaps traveling in my sleep?  have not made it back to yoga.  my body craves rest and i am honoring my body’s needs and putting my ambitious mind in a back seat for another day or two.  rest and release.  so much sorrow.  with the full moon i decided to not use any spiritual concepts to put a positive spin on my feelings.  the intention is for emotional honesty.  it feels really good.  i feel different living this way.  allowing the sorrow to fully blossom, and then wane and vanish like vapor.  replaced by gratitude for being alive, for having tears to cry.  feelings continually move, they are verbs…no need to encapsulate them into nouns and take them like pills with specific directions.  shedding conceptual addiction.  seeing how the mind creates “reasons” and “ideas” to help minimize the power of an uncomfortable feeling.  allowing the uncomfortable feeling to exist fully, without avoiding or resisting, heals the gap.  the way humans have split the light and dark into two opposing categories is what creates good and evil in the human mind.  light verses dark perceiving, begets light verses dark action.  the seed of all action is thought.  sorrow, you are not bad.  you are a soft compassionate restful grey sky.  practical me.  growing corn with each feeling.  watching happiness grow from emotional honesty.  gardening my psyche with revelation.  doing things different.  i cannot see ahead.  the future is completely hidden.  i feel ungrounded.  in a chrysalis of spirit.  alchemy is happening.  and on a mundane level, without romantic love i become like mist, floating….lonely…lost.  this is just an emotional expression.  sentiment.  moon-speak.  when i am back on the mat sunday and the moon moves into capricorn, i will become a maple tree again.  for two more days…i dissolve like thai prayer flags in the breeze.  letting go.  honoring the longing in my soul for a deeper desire asking to be fulfilled.  to be made into a real girl.  to leave the moulin rouge puppeteer forever.  to walk up the steps from hades and be reunited with demeter.  singing the body electric.  the thousand faces of yesterday, put to their proper graves.  the concept of karma no longer applicable.  i become something new to give this world and to be.  while at the same time, here i am….still….seeking.  not resisting the seeking either.  knowing that any form of avoidance is a denial.  internal and external are the same.  create no gaps.  understand the power of a name…