six feet realizations…

warning, i am getting out some morbid thoughts….read at your own risk…

i’ve been watching “six feet under” again.  this is my third run-through of the show.  it’s my favorite piece of visual story telling, to date.  why?  because it delves into life and death, the complexity of human relationships, and the shadowy waters of the human heart.  fun for a scorpio, like me.  and it’s got me thinking….as it always does…

about seeking…

because everybody in the show is seeking….and everybody in real life is seeking….seeking…seeking….pressing up against the obstacles, tensions, and boundaries of life….to fulfill a sense of happiness within, that got stifled at a young age due to trauma, neglect, poverty, or whatever else taught our young cells to imprint lack.

it’s very real…

and when i tap into the reality, i find myself feeling a bit agitated with the idea that happiness should be an independent state of being, separated from our physical circumstances….

i mean, there is truth to be found in the balance of inner-independence from external circumstances…so we can take hardship in stride, with more grace…not throwing the baby out with the bath water…

yet, there is something very real about, getting the physical right…and by right, i mean, in the flow, harmonious to our animal self.

happiness is not rocket science, and yet it appears to be…

when watching six feet under, it becomes clear, how people can really fuck up their happiness by not realizing what they are doing to fuck it up, by emotionally reacting without considering the consequences, identifying with pain as a way to avoid the power they really have inside to experience joy, making assumptions about others and life, and not being aware and open to a deeper sense of truth beneath the surface of suffering…

it’s not that any character needs to overcome suffering by learning how to find an internal sense of peace beyond the physical…it’s that the characters need to learn how to be honest with how they feel and communicate it effectively with themselves, and one another, and learn how to make choices that reflect happiness, but they struggle to do this, because they are used to identifying with pain…

we are really complex beings.  it’s no joke.  the mind is a puzzle that one must figure out to reach the purity of the heart, which often, in its purity, can be duplicitous, contradictory, confused, or lost….

it’s like…we seal ourselves off from our potential to feel vibrant joy, because we identify with pain in order to stay safe.

it takes a lot of courage to open up to love when pain is a huge norm you’ve learned since you were little.  and it takes skill to know how to navigate through and away from the emotional impulses that cause you to make choices that bring more pain.  to even be able to see that you are choosing pain because it’s comfortable, is hard work.

so much of how we operate is unconscious.  but few want to admit it.  our culture is obsessed with surface reasoning these days…

it’s so clear to me, in “six feet under” how nate continually unconsciously undermines himself, gives himself less than he deserves, doubts himself, and finds comfort in pain and being stuck in the wrong relationships and work…when consciously you see him trying to be a good person all the time.  he tries to stick out a bad relationship because he wants to be a good person more than anything…but this is because, underneath, he feels so shitty about himself, that he is trying to prove that he is good, when really, he is making himself miserable.

nate and brenda really love one another.  yet brenda, she cannot handle intimacy, so she has to fuck it all up by cheating on him.  she is actually quite aware of what she is doing, just cannot seem to stop it.  nate could have forgiven her.  if he had, and they both just moved on from their sexual mess ups, then perhaps they would have fought their way into real intimacy together.  but they couldn’t, because nate continually punishes himself, and so does brenda.

they both over identify with pain, because they don’t believe they deserve joy.

it seems clear to me that the reason we over identify with pain, is because we are a down trodden race, and this is due to….well, on the surface, it is due to being treated like slaves by our political, religious, and educational institutions, which bleeds into crappy and abusive family dynamics…

yet deeper down, we are allowing it…we could all stand up and say no, but we don’t, because we are ignorant to our own power, and we play the game like we have no choice to change it, we cower, feeling all alone unless we agree with the pack, and we strive within a system of have’s and have nots, that is shame filled and unloving, that pits one person against another, that creates mass poverty and injustice, breeds abuse and ignorance, and separates us from one another.

the human race has the potential to be a loving race.  yet we still have a long way to go.  the fake surface “love”, which is unreal, tells us that love is money and good looks and success.  another symptom of how deep down, we identify with pain.  for nobody needs to be rich and beautiful to be happy or to love.  it’s cruel to think so.  those few who seem to have it all on the surface, suffer from pain identification just as much as somebody who seemingly has very little.  the latter might be more uncomfortable on the surface, but deep down, the destitute experienced in the heart is equal.

in fact, if you ripped the surface right off everybody, you would find so much similarity of pain identification, a mass healing would take place.

the spiritual paths set before us, all provide ways to reduce pain identification.  liberate yourself from it by surrendering your will to a higher power, by learning how to witness your pain but not partake of it, by performing ritual magic to get what you want, whatever it may be…these paths, in my opinion, are still topical…

i feel that the real healing that needs to take place, is more hands on, more about relationships, and our physical existence.

we need to learn how to identify with happiness, for real, not topically.  we need to learn how to love ourselves and one another.  and this is not fluff.  it’s as solid as the iron core of this planet.  the precious time we have here as humans could be so much better, so much more healthy, fulfilling, and joyous….yet we are caught in a trick, in a spider web, we are being deceived by our own feeling of lack of love and power…

maybe this sounds overly cynical, i don’t mean it to….i see so much hope and joy that could be ours, if we would focus more on being honest with our feelings, getting out that pain, recognizing it, releasing it, opening our vulnerable scared hearts to real love for ourselves, real intimacy with others, and developing the courage to say no to those institutions that prey upon us like we are nothing more than a number.

i feel in my heart that it is still much scarier for humans to feel joy than pain.  on the surface, everybody appears to be smiling their pain away, as if they are afraid of pain.  it’s just a distraction though, to avoid having to face the pain in order to let it go…and experience the real joy of living, we’ve perhaps forgotten, from playing the game of shame, for so long…

me…i am gonna keep facing this stuff…i feel real joy, and i also see where i identify with pain, and i am recognizing and releasing….for i feel my life purpose, is simply to be happy…

this is honestly how i feel….