maybe it’s because i am wearing all red today. the moon in leo. this red glass of wine. mars conjunct venus. who knows. who cares. today i am storming hard. lightning and thunder. torrential wind and rain. unsuspecting as the spontaneous rain for twenty minutes turning into sunlight and warmth here in seattle today…i too, storm and lighten…storm and lighten….
i wonder if this inner pain will ever go away completely? is how it feels. though great progress has been made…something sets it off. like shopping for clothes at target. the snow ball effect. in the dressing room, suddenly feeling shame and anger. funneling backward to a place long long ago. falling down the rabbit hole. into hurt feelings.
it happened friday night too. it’s happening a lot right now because mars is readying to go direct and this aggressive shame is asking to be let go of. this is why i value what unlocked it’s appearance (again) from the bottom deep of my soul, where electric eels dwell and glow….
i am being made aware….due to various happenstances in the physical world that initiate it…of pain within i keep thinking i have let go of…and then see, it is another layer deep…like her song about russian dolls….i too, long to transcend the begetting, the endless version on repeat…the karmic deplete.
and it’s not hard to do. well, yes, it is hard to do. but the instructions are always the same. acknowledge, recognize, accept, and release with love.
most of us can barley make it to the acknowledge part. i am on no mountaintop here. i too, want a guarantee of future happiness, so i too, can avoid acknowledging the fear of future pain and loss. it’s so subconscious.
every person, including myself, wants a tarot reading to give this guarantee, in order to stay in denial of possible hurt. yet, every person, including me, winds up hearing the truth from the cards, and that truth is always the same. one’s feelings described. the fear of pain looked at it, acknowledged.
(well maybe not all the time, depends. if you are not denying your feelings, the universe might read your future in the cards for sure.)
point being….every single one of us, is still deathly afraid of future hurt, and every single one of us is carrying hurt. we are partial wounds walking around, denying them, because we feel that if we acknowledge what hurts, we wont be loved…because we truly believe that we ought to be perfect to be loved.
damn pack mentality! cultural conditioning! all the shit that’s wrong! but we already know about all that, so i wont digress into it…
shame keeps on hiding as a result of it all. shame is quasimodo. shame is failure. shame is loss. shame is regret. shame is being ugly, deformed, fat, poor, dumb, flat, small, weak. shame is the shadow the uber light is casting. duality is the strong light, pitted against the strong darkness.
heaven and hell. god and the devil. body and soul. the temporal and the infinite. rich and poor. ugly and beautiful. these extremes. these two choices. this pleasure and pain.
male and female. masculine and feminine. in each of us, whether we be man or woman. all women have a masculine and feminine energy within. and all men have a masculine and feminine energy within.
could it be that hell, the devil, darkness, shame, regret, sorrow, and anger, the sins, the demons, are all feminine aspects of our humanity being suppressed and in denial? and this is all a monster of the dark really is? i vote, yes.
feelings are the feminine. hell is where feeling that are not acknowledged go to live. demons are denied feelings dismembered from their owner, the self. the devil is the feminine feeling energy scapegoated into a mythological creature. darkness means one thing only; hidden, not given light. and light also, means one thing only; appearing, seen, aware.
embracing feelings is so simple and yet we push push push it away. we don’t want to feel our feelings or talk about them unless they are pleasant. we avoid conflict all together, or create shallow conflicts about stupid stuff, both different ends of the same spectrum, denying the real feelings. we try to make them go away, and this is our deluded version of strength. running away from hurt feelings is delusional because it creates a ton of needless suffering.
and so i embrace the red hot lightning and thunder storm of pain coursing through me right now. i give voice and love to the feelings, no matter how many times they come up. it’s all just work in a day, like washing dishes or my body or teeth, i also clean my heart. i don’t need to be perfect to be loved. i am lovable for me being me, not for being a pillar of light.
i acknowledge the feelings that emerged today in the clothing store. i acknowledge the karma in my veins, in my bloodline, past lives lived, my energetic stamp in this universe, whatever you wanna call it. it’s not fun. it’s not easy. but i know it’s the loving thing to do, because it will lead me to the waters of rejuvenation, to greater compassion, and to laughter.
oh sweet laughter, how i call to you right now! i am doing my inner work. it’s sucky yet i am doing it. i am loving what hurts. i am acknowledging and accepting and recognizing and getting ready for the big release, the snake slithering down the drain…the story becoming nothing, yet again…
hoping that this blog inspires you to do the same, or plants the seed for the future, when something in your physical world causes a deep reaction of hurtful feelings in you. it’s ok. it’s actually quite wonderful. you can share them with somebody close, or acknowledge them alone, or both. i am right here, doing it with you.
my glass of wine is half done. i have walked all over today. did hot yoga in the morning and it annoyed me. the smell of sweat, the heat, the routine. thank you annoyance for prepping me for the storm. a great feeling practice would not have been productive. hail the hurt! hail the feelings!