beltane babbling…

beltane…

today the masculine and feminine energies come together in perfect union of divine love.  the veil is thin between worlds.  do you feel it?  i am feeling it.  wishing i was in the forest with my divine masculine, like the olden days, though reality says different.  i am in the city, thousands of miles away, and hence, will transfer all of my longings into writing…my personal alchemy….the very reason for the tension of longing to exist in these rivers of blood gushing into my vast solar heart and lunar mind.

i am in love, and this love is rapidly changing me and my life.  this is the year of the fire horse, and it means fast change and movement.  embracing change is something i have always been good at doing.  a natural talent i have.  it’s not hard for me to shuck layers of old identity, or to place myself in new situations.  (although i can be triggered if i feel trapped, judged, or somehow stifled, lose my grace, and fall on my face.)  yet when the flow is divine, change is easy for me.

being a tarot reader is an interesting thing, because it means that i usually know what’s coming.  but i don’t know what the story will be.  i only receive the big picture future.  such as, i might know a relationship is entering, and it will change my life direction, but that’s all i know.  then when it happens, i fill in the blanks. some people think this might hamper the beauty of living.  not for me.  knowing what’s coming never destroys life’s ability to surprise me continually.  i knew since fifteen years ago, what is occurring now.

the cool thing about soulful relationships, is how they grow you.  only through intimacy can we see ourselves through the johari window.  only through another’s eyes do we understand how we effect others.  our personalities are not existing in a vacuum.  we have them in order to relate.  and these personalities of ours, are meant to grow, just as much as a garden grows.  we stay essentially the same, but there are weeds to pull, and watering to do, maybe some fertilizing.

fears are the weeds.  blocks are the weeds.  resistance to closeness on any level, are the weeds.  watering is the clarity and understanding that initiates change and growth.  fights break open stuck places and uncover shadowy wounds from rocks.  fights might be like an insect invasion that causes the gardener to respond with quick action.  (i am being a bit lazy with making this metaphor.) when you get rid of the parasitic invasion, doesn’t it feel so good?  you love your garden even more.  we humans, love a good challenge.

on this day of the masculine and feminine energies coming into perfect union, my mind is on relationships, and how they are alchemical and creative, just as much as they are comforting, anchoring, and stabilizing.  the creature part of ourselves seeks the other, to create home and family.  the soul part of us seeks the other to grow as a person, and to learn how to love deeper.  there are always two rivers, and being able to flow from just being and living, to doing the soul work, is an art and a balancing act both within self, and in relation to the other.

having spent most of my life alone, i see how easy it is, nobody is there to challenge or mirror me, when alone.  nobody is there to ping the wounds.  and lets face it, we all have wounds.  we all grow up getting hurt, and this hurt shapes who we become, but the bulk of the hurt usually gets repressed because we are not taught the skill of honoring and healing hurt, in our modern day fucked up society that ignores the internal experience.  anyhow…i don’t want to tangent into all that…back to my point…

many people are afraid to be alone and hop from relationship to relationship, or stay in a relationship they are unhappy in, out of fear of being alone.  not me.  i am the type to avoid relationships, finding comfort in being alone, unless i feel the destiny and my soul gives the green light to be with somebody.  though the past few days, i have wondered if i have avoided intimate relationships from a wounded place too, because of not believing it possible to be loved for who i am.  and this is the letting go i am doing.

i don’t really feel this wound consciously, but then it comes up suddenly in a storm when relating, and i see it clearly.  i know it is time to let it go, because it has nothing to do with the present.  the wound is no longer relevant.  but i don’t want to be mean to it or ignore it.  i bring it to my heart, give it compassion, and release it.  and what’s the best way to let go?

for me, meditating.  just twenty minutes a day of focusing on my breath and watching my thoughts and feelings pass through me like clouds, causes an alchemical reaction, where my cells, brain, heart, and whole being, lets go of old feelings, vows, imprints, aka: the wound.  there is nothing to analyze, or “work through”, that is all illusionary thinking.  letting go is like pulling weeds.  you don’t analyze why the weeds are there.  you don’t judge the weeds.  you don’t ignore the weeds.  you simply pull them out.  meditation is weed pulling.

to honor my commitment to love, i am gonna get back to weeding my garden regularly, starting today….and be like melting snow, washing myself clean of myself, as rumi put it. new life, i embrace you.  the masculine and feminine energies within me are coming together in perfect union, mirrored in the world.  today, on beltane, the forces align into the infinity symbol, venn diagram, yin-yang…and into a sweet melody too…

into a peace that stems from recognizing, feeling and basking in the divine order of nature.

life, i love you.