self reflection tuesday….

today is a weird day…not the routine…i am not leaning into the mat….i am being spoken to by nature…as i was on my way to the cafe to write before work…the mush i made, which i put in my usual glass jar, busted, spilling all over the inside of my back pack.  within a moment, i decided to throw the back pack away.  i walked into a used goods store, and picked the first thing i saw that looked semi-decent.  it happened to be a bright green bag with mandalas all over it, and i thought to myself, “no more black.”  i switched my stuff into it, and put the back pack into the trash, knowing a homeless person might find it and use it.   i have used this same back pack for about twenty years.  now it is gone.  in a moment.  i could feel the significance.  change.

it got me thinking back to san francisco.  to when i broke my ankle.  how three weeks prior, three glass things smashed, and i knew they were signs of something about to break.  i realized, when i broke my ankle, that i was living somebody else’s life.   so i quit the program i was in for copy-writing and moved to new york city to “make it as an artist”.  but once there, i realized i hated the sense of personal ambition i felt, pitted against everybody else’s sense of personal ambition.  it’s not in me to live like that.  nor did i feel any desire to have my paintings hanging in haughty empty galleries.  i did not want to “make it” in the same way anymore.  when i left new york city to head back to seattle, i knew i needed to write my first book, once and for all, after six years of failed attempts.   i also remember the sign i got on the plane, seared into my brain.  they showed a movie, i forgot the name now, but it’s a cartoon about a creature who is all about himself until he moves to a small town and he becomes needed by everybody, to stop the evil money making jerk at the top, from ruining their lives.

i am not sure what things are gonna look like before they arrive…but i do have a navigational source guiding my life.  during the past fifteen years or so, i have also had a series of dreams, all focused on choices between saving myself or standing up for others….or doing what is right and scary versus doing what is wrong and safe.  in all the dreams i chose to stand up for others, and do what is right and scary.  these dreams are almost more telling then “real life”, where often, the mundane tasks of the day put a dream over the deeper meaning of soul purpose i feel coursing through me.   in “real life” i have felt so lost.  time and again, i have pulled the hanged man card, and this card guides my life.  it means, i am meant to surrender.  this is how i create my life.  by surrendering.  i surrender when i paint and write, when i read souls, and even when i love.  it’s an art in and of itself.  the hanged man tells me i am not lost, but sometimes, i am in a state of suspension, waiting for the next destiny to arrive, or i am needed by somebody and it’s not about me at all.  the hanged man also reminds me that i am always being guided by what i learn.

looking back today, upon my life, i see that i was in a training period that is now over.  the training was about learning the difference between me and others.  calling back all my self parts that had scattered or were hiding inside of karma….and sending all the parts back to others, that were hiding in me, but did not belong to me.  i was healing the gap between heart and mind, mind and body, masculine and feminine, dreamer and realist, past and present, present and future.  i was waking up and letting go of all the mental delusions that took these past fifteen years or so, to recognize.  this entire training period is the sand mandala i just blew away (mandalas on the new bag!) when i tossed my back pack into the trash.  i feel nature tell me in the way my body feels.  it is time for the new.  you might think i have had a lot of new because i have moved so much.  but zoom out and you will see the continuity…girl moves from city to city searching for herself, healing, and transforming.

the eclipse season is upon us.  april brings a full lunar eclipse and a solar eclipse.  the celestial message coursing through our hearts is about letting go of the past, and opening up to the new.  i am feeling this.  i am feeling myself not only let go of the “healing path” but also particular training program i have been in, that i am ready to put into living practice.  it is time for new challenges.  new lessons.  new love.  new possibilities.  new identities.  new stories.  the sunrise of new life is upon me.  it also upon all of us.

it’s easier for me to distinguish the emotional nuances more than anything.  i can feel my mind becoming a blank slate and my heart feeling like a frog.  i can feel my soul sliding forward into my cells like a deluge, because i have created the space.  my conditioned personality gets butterflies, because letting go of comfort zones is scary.  yet there is an element of effortlessness i am learning right now, when i allow myself to let go into the moment.  it is in this way, i blossom.  yet come to think of it, it’s always been that way for me.  i get a sudden illumination of where i need to be or what i need to do, and i go there and do it.  exactly like the discovery of my spilled food.  there was not much of a reaction to it…only the knowing that i needed to walk into the used goods store, get the bag waiting for me there, and donate my back pack to the homeless.