remnants of mercury…

i’m writing this from the other side of my apartment because i rearranged it.  put the couch where the bed was, and bed where the couch was.  newness.

today i did a yoga sculpt class for the first time.  it was not fun and hard.  newness.  gonna put it in my routine once a week cause i am craving physical strength.  i can handle regular boring rep based exercise with weights once a week.

“the sundays” play.  her voice eases my soul.  got big time anxiety right now.  the lightning storm is flashing through my receptors, firing off terrible scenarios because i feel scared of human life.  what is this fear?

i’m in my flow.  anchored by the vajra vortex.  fortified by the hill.  what i am learning is tedious.  how i am growing is lush.  i feed myself ambrosia.  the kings are falling.

i took 200 mg’s of l-tyrosine tonight, verses the 100 mg’s i’ve been taking the past three nights.  it’s my lightning storm balm.  keeps my body calm when i feel like my building is gonna turn into a dinosaur and walk away, or get swept up in a wind storm, and i become dorothy and nothing makes sense anymore.

there’s no place like home…

the writing is drying up again too.  i haven’t painted.  where did the muse go?  come back, i need you.

i looked at how much one bedrooms cost in miami on craigslist today.  i am not going to move there.  but i am feeling the surges for newness.  i could travel somewhere maybe.  but i don’t know if i have the money to afford it.  or the time.  the flow wants me rooted right now.  though….

i would love to get swept up in a new reality that felt inspiring and grounding, like a stint of flourishing, creating, enjoying, loving, giving…

and by new reality i mean….

to be continued…

i tend to allow the realities come to me…i am more like a snail, i feel with my tentacles….i don’t see with my eyes….

the thoughts are minimal right now.  i don’t have a lot to say either.  i am usually not thinking during lightening storms.  it’s all feelings.  star primal.

i can’t stop burning incense.  sage, palo santo, copal, red tara, pure sandalwood, frankincense and black copal resin…turquoise and citrine are my stones and colors…mint chutney, cheese and banana are my flavors.  mamma earth i love you so, your foods and crystals, scents and trees, waters, furry creatures, and heart beats.  you have melted my walls down.  i feel vulnerable as a being made of you.  the vulnerability is a tenderness that expands into infinity, and yet is contained within the universe of my skin.

there are so many layers to yoga postures, exactly like in life, and being a being too.  the onion contains this wisdom…and it’s funny how onions can make cooked food a delicious savory flavor, but raw and uncooked sting the taste buds.  the onion teaches us that what we create can taste yummy.  heat is alchemy…

the lightning storm turns my cravings into large waves that i am surfing….

here, in the writing, i find happiness again.  i wrote this blog specifically to find happiness cause on my walk home from work, i felt anxiety.  there’s no place like home.  home is in the writing.  home is what these fingers produce.  home is the invisible universe being me.  and it keeps layering.  perhaps some of my layers are under construction.  and also perhaps i am feeling the weight of the world sitting on a pin needle about to burst.