i gotta write a valentines blog. i just gotta. blissfully sitting in a cafe playing eighties. listening to “time after time”, after just hearing “total eclipse of the heart”. why does this make me feel so happy? music is my savior these days, along with yoga. my body is feeling like an instrument being played by many different musicians. oh jeez, “must have been love” is now playing. the sad love songs fill me with joy. i ate a rose frosted gluten free cupcake. last night i let loose with a friend and allowed luxurious pleasure to be my guide. this immediately makes me feel sad for those don’t have the means. who are truly lonely today, and truly hungry.
the book has started. it’s beyond my skill level to write. it’s biting off more than i can chew. it’s yoga too. this will be a massive learning curve. i will be tapping into all the dormant parts, where what i have explored thoroughly with vigor shall subside within. i can conceive of future technology from a surprising vantage point. i can take care of the numbers. i have a fervent left brain aching for outlets. got a new project with community too, but i wont reveal the latter yet…cause it’s still simmering in my heart. being back in the creative purpose flow has rejuvenated me, taking me out of the crabby crappy ho-hum slumber of my past two months. if i am not being creative, and if i am not feeling the bigger mission being activated in my imagination…i don’t feel like being here at all. i know that sounds extreme. i am extreme in certain areas.
this process will be tedious so it’s good i have been dusting and moving lots of tiny objects around for a while now, it’s training me. i will also be challenged to step outside of a linear writing process. hard! complex! i have to hand write out the initial spew, transcribe that spew into the computer, piecemeal style…and then begin fleshing out each part, until characters emerge to care about, to make the body of the story with…of which i still have no idea….and it’s really weird to start writing this story with the world building, and not the characters. i gotta trust myself. my self taught way i will start with, and if i feel i need assistance beyond the friends i bounce ideas with, then i will seek out a class or workshop. but i don’t know. i barely have enough money as it is, yet alone to shell out more for a class and have to scrape.
the devotion i feel for this next book and for the community project is all encompassing. my true loves. as for the romantic partner form of true love…i don’t feel desperate right now cause creativity takes my longing and uses it like fuel. i am trying to envision who he will be, and i can’t. i don’t want to. i am ready to be surprised. i call out to the equal love though, no matter what that turns out to look like, or how long it intends to last. i feel deeply in my heart, that i need no vow of love. my mantra is “may we love each other until one or both of us feels different.” i don’t feel the need to say “till death do we part”. if it works out that way, great…and if not…great. whatever flows. this is how i feel it within. yet i also know the sentiment of wanting to create a life time devotion ceremony. there is flow to expressing that too. being married seems romantic.
i know that my heart asks for mutual understanding-to create that sacred intimate space between our hearts, which feels like the core of what i desire. it’s different for everybody. find your snow flake desires shimmering like sapphire suns and embrace them. all this libra in my chart…seven planets in air signs, my airy craving for mental understanding, stimulation, and camaraderie, as well as mental balance to expand from. understanding is a mental attribute. yet it requires emotional awareness to grow from. there’s many types of emotional awareness…not just from a psychological vantage point or anything intellectual like that…one can be emotionally perceptive from a purely intuitive or instinctual place as well. it’s more about having a developed sensitivity to feelings….of which mammals are master of…(who are not human mammal. humans are too…yet our feeling natures have been tweaked and manipulated by power hungry silent leaders in the artificial hierarchy. but i don’t want to diatribe into all that. you know all that. and if you don’t you will resist what i have to say anyhow….so….)
oh man, john lennon is playing now, “imagine”. how akin i feel to his soul…to his energy…. the memory of his death stains our collective unconscious….
i guess that’s all i have to say right now…back to transcribing spews…
happy love day. i love you.