well, it’s not so easy, not being negative right now…due to that pressure valve release feeling that comes from being negative. let me look at the positive effects of being negative, just for the hell of it. it relieves tension. my dad used to mention that when he spouted in the car during traffic. it’s for real. part of me finds immense pleasure in saying, “it fucking sucks dammit!” and that part wants validation. nothing is more annoying to the negative spew than trying to put a positive spin on it. it feels stifling. as i notice the positive benefits and desires of being negative, i find some levity in it. man, lately….everything feels too serious. so…in effort to crack open the usual perception, three cheers for negative spewing! once out, it passes quickly!
now, back to my efforts to transform my mental attitude…like a toddler’s mommy, i distract myself. it’s not too great when friends ask how i am. i would rather nod in silence. i keep saying, i am decent. it’s the truth. so much is wonderful. my yoga practice, job, friends, and family are beacons of strong light in my life. i am ever so grateful. between cheering the negative spout and not taking it too serious, distracting myself from the old smelly story, and being grateful for all i do have, i feel i am doing exceptionally well. it’s a juggling act. being a purist in any direction is not my way. i am not a positive pollyanna, and i am not a negative nancy, i am a verb spectruming on the scene of humanity.
ok, i wanna talk about romantic love now. had a good conversation with a friend, where she was mentioning bjork’s view on love, and how she likes all the varying experiences of partnership, verses looking for one person her entire life to settle down with. i have a few friends who take this view too. i am into it. even though my scorpio heart craves lifetime love, i also feel that i could be into multiple experiences. thing is, due to my story and karma, i don’t have those either. i tend to be alone. all the time. i have only been in romantic partnership a total of two years in my entire life. i am very inexperienced. it’s not my path. but could it be? and ought i be open to many experiences? or finding “the one”?
i think i don’t have a choice. i know that sounds weird coming from me…i am so proactive with the law of attraction, our will to choose thing…but as you also know, i am not a purist, and i juggle perceptions. i feel when it comes to love, we don’t choose how many people we can love, and who we love. we only choose whether or not to stay or leave. the number of people one can love in a lifetime is different for everybody. and it depends on your lessons. i talk about this often. i know i have a big lesson about being alone for so many years. because it cultivates a certain personality, and i am grateful for that. it’s not just my darkness story creating romantic isolation. that’s too one sided. perhaps sometimes it has…but more so, i feel i have been alone to learn how to be a self generating person in an extreme fashion. i do like to fully saturate.
and in a moment, my story will change. the karma will be healed. tada. new life. new lessons. new story.
the soul’s perspective is so different form the ego. the ego says, I am hurt. the soul says, i chose this to learn. the ego feels victim. the soul craves to experience everything, from light to dark, all of it, to know itself, to grow, to understand, to evolve. many people believe the latter to be only a story the psyche creates to have a sense of meaning in life, because their core philosophy is rooted in the idea of random meaninglessness. that’s cool. i once believed that too, but it did not stick. my experiences have been too rooted in the invisible and subtle realms, filled with experiential meaning, to look at life from only a physical perspective. but it does not matter what perception you have, so long as it’s yours and you want it to be yours. unless of course, your perception harms other people…then we have the right to say no to it.
i am all over the place…
i want to end this blog with something positive….
last night i sat at my favorite bar to write. i have been dull as a door nail lately, unable to feel any creative inspiration. blah as blah can be. but when i got to this bar, ordered a manhattan, and put my pen to the paper, allowing myself to write whatever i want, nonsense, whatever…out poured a plot line! one i have been sitting on like duck eggs, unable to to flesh out. for forty five minutes or so, i wrote non-stop, the plot thickening without any conscious effort, rushing from my fingertips like a waterfall. i wrote until my drink was finished. i wrote until my hands ached. pleasure washed over me in a turquoise wave. when i was done, i felt plunked back into regular ole’ boring reality, and i left. the rest of the night felt blah, as it’s been…but that gem of an experience lit up my entire week. it’s gonna be big, this next tale, you wait….