what to write about today….the sun is shining and the air is cold, like the east coast. portland is covered in snow. it’s bizarre. here in seattle, we have completely clear skies…
as i keep writing about, mercury is retrograde. you may not believe in astrology and i am sorry to bore you if this is the case. for me, i feel the planets effect me, so it’s not a belief…it’s an experience i live….and i am close with mercury, very close…even though mercury is not highlighted too much in my chart….i am an uber mental personality type, always thinking, contemplating, reflecting, theorizing, wondering, and analyzing. being human is fun for me because of the thinking part. i am a fan…
in my reality…the planets are dreaming us up, being us in their dream…so like, mercury is dreaming about being the brain…about being self aware consciousness….about being language…
this mercury retrograde…i have been noticing my language…what feels pleasurable and what causes pain, when i think thoughts and say sentences.
i notice the release and relief experienced when negative statements are thought up or spoken. it’s like a pressure release. the feelings of frustration, anger, sorrow, and grief want to create a negative statement to validate it. i don’t know if this is natural or conditioned by culture due to a devaluing of difficult emotions. if we are taught to always smile, don’t show vulnerability, be on top of our game and “tough” as it’s referred to…then i can see how the repression of difficult yet very real feelings could lead to creating negative statements to try to find some acceptable form of release.
it’s more accepted in our society to say negative things then to cry, scream, or shake with uncomfortable feelings of loss and pain.
here’s a list of negative statements:
i am stupid
this world is fucked up.
i can’t do it.
there’s no way it’s possible.
he’s an asshole.
she’s a bitch.
i hate her.
i’m an idiot.
these are some basic negative statements that are perfectly acceptable to say…where as breaking down in tears because somebody did something painful to you, or because you can’t get what you want, or because something traumatic happened or whatever may be the case…is not acceptable, and given a negative connotation of being weak.
there is so much judgement surrounding pain. pain is not negative though. hurt is not negative. what is negative is the judgement about the painful experience.
we chose to experience pain. it’s not a mistake. what person learns compassion, unconditional love, forgiveness, self worth, and acceptance from having a completely one hundred percent pleasurable life on all levels all the time? that person does not exist, and if they did, they would be an arrogant self absorbed nightmare.
this is not to say we should needlessly suffer. violence, tyranny, abuse, addiction, poverty, and many mental and physical illnesses stem from the refusal to appreciate pain and to honor the feelings caused from the pain of being human. pain, when exploited, turns into suffering, turns into power struggles that grow larger and larger, as the story line of victim-perpetrator begets itself from century to century.
thing is…being human, means being a sovereign being….a being with an internal experience, an individuated sense of self, dreams and hopes, a personality, and a sense of direction. with each person being their own person, it’s easy for reality to become a playing field for power struggles…as those beings who don’t feel or have not learned how to love, crave the experience of taking power over another to feel pleasure.
what is not inherently self generating will feed off of others. this is where all demons, devils, and vampire myths stem from. from the way an unloving being feeds off of life outside of itself to stay alive.
love naturally respects, values, and appreciates life for what it is, wanting it to grow and expand. it does not even need to be defined. it can be felt. if every single human being felt love for themselves, they would feel love for others, and treat themselves and all of life with respect, not trying to gain power instead of love.
if you don’t love yourself on a basic fundamental level, you are using other people to feed yourself. you are taking power. you need relationships to feel good about yourself, instead of needing relationships because you need love. this spectrum is mammoth…from the codependent relationship where two people feed off of another to validate themselves, all the way to the tyrant enslaving a nation of people because he gets off on the power trip.
this is what i have been thinking about…
my lessons in life have always been centered around self love and learning how to validate myself and be a self generating being. i call it turning into a sun. i used to only be a moon, needing the light of others to be ok. i was powerless and i did not love myself and was always starved. it led me to becoming adept at loving. first myself…and then allowing that love to spread out toward others, the world, life itself. it’s a learning curve.
i’ve always felt love itself coursing through me, as venus is my most heavily aspected planet. i feel like a manifestation of venus herself…but i was born a wounded venus and have spent this life healing and returning to love’s pure potential and fierce force.