yadda yadda….

there are so many different ways to live.  our society (american) is only one way.  here, work is overvalued and enjoying life is undervalued, which makes us void out harder with food, booze, drugs, television, working out, sex, or hell, why not lose yourself in a relationship?  i am not a fan.

i don’t want to work more.  i already work enough.  between working the counter, tarot, writing, and painting, i have very little extra time as it is.  and yet, if i don’t become recognized by society as a writer and hence, make money…i really don’t have enough to live here in the states with the way the economy is going…unless i marry somebody who can support me financially, or unless i win the lottery which i don’t play, or unless i get a bunch of roommates, or join a commune….something.  point being, i am opening myself to different ways to live…in the future.

i hate how expensive everything is, and how much work is overvalued.  it sucks.  it sucks that i am not a career person.  and it’s hard to keep up my devotion to the artist path, when i continue to work underneath the radar, or on the other side of the tracks, whatever metaphor you want to plug in.  but why dwell on what i don’t like?

i will keep on trying.  but in ten or fifteen years, if life still feels like this, i might consider moving outside of the states and living a more peaceful, low key, less materialistic kind of life.  i am not opposed to leaving the city, although i love it.  my dream would be to make enough money as a writer to constantly move and live wherever i felt, while having a home base in seattle.  i love seattle so much.  it feels like my home.  but i am itching for a new experience.  and if i tell myself i can, then i can.  i can build a new life.  it may or may not be a location change…

it’s strange for me, to give myself permission to believe i can create what i desire on a practical level.  i like the feeling.  i have faked it till i made it on more than one occasion…

the other main thing…is writing this next story.  which has been on pause.  cause i am stagnant lately, feeling mundane, bored with the routine, and lonely.  i mean, i like my job, and i like yoga, and i like my friends, and things are comfortable and my strength and confidence are growing…so it’s not horrible…but i am feeling like a dull knife.  my spirit is craving a new experience.  i feel small embers burning.  being a water sign i tend to wait for the container to come in the form of a relationship that will lead me into new life.  or i get the soul call and i go.  this time, i hear no soul call, and no relationship is happening.  yet.  it will.  i trust.

i also know that life might be asking me to conceptualize what i want, and then to diligently create it.  that’s a way too.  i am open to the way changing.

i have been fantasizing about warmer climates.  the tropics.  i am not really into that though.  i like cold weather.  i like coats and i like to hole up to write.  in the warmer climates body rules too much, it shuts my mind down, i become pure creature.  not my thing.  but i suppose it could be.  who knows.  maybe i create new life right where i am.  that could be the right thing too.  i am basking in the unknown.  my spirit is restless.  i keep cracking open and transforming lately.  so much going on in the internal as it always does with me….i change and grow rapidly.

mercury went retrograde today.  it’s a tacit for us all.  february is my least favorite month.  ah, i gotta stop writing negative statements, but it feels so good.

maybe i need to write a movie.  or a non-fiction book, or a play.  but i keep gravitating to fiction.  i ask my mind to crack open with imagination.

i am overdosed on self work and self growth.  i need to laugh, imagine, play, and write…

there’s the idea that self work is bunk, just a way to not be present, always seeking, wanting more, trying to improve….again, the american culture thing…where we are never satisfied and always restless.  but i don’t take extreme views.  i think healing is real.  but it also can be an escape.  the key to knowing the truth is to pay attention to how you feel.  if you feel yourself expanding you are on the right track.  if you feel yourself contracting, wrong track.  although some people get addicted to expanding, and their ego’s become helium balloons seeking higher higher….that’s not me or my tribe though…we have made our way up from the darkest cement cracks, and heal simply to find balance and self love.

this blog is sort of boring.  but i will post it anyway….