i realized last night, through talking with a dear friend, how much i have been resisting creating new beliefs about myself that will support positive growth in my life…
i have a manifesto memorized in my psyche, forged from an adolescent attempt to cope with who i am in this life. and…it’s like listening to a book written thousands of years ago, having lost relevancy…because at one point in time, the manifesto was how i protected myself…but the protective devise has turned into sour apples.
i am not who i once was…
it amazes me, the endless layers of beliefs about who i am and what i am capable of, imprinted in the brain like constellations…
i don’t want to get into the details, but i will share that the beliefs all center around a main parent belief that i am powerless….and from this root belief of powerlessness formed the dependencies, the supportive roles, the story lines, all wrought with despair coated coping mechanisms, like ivy growing up an old building.
and here’s the thing….i have been making positive changes toward my growth, it’s not like i have been stagnant by any means…
but what i realized last night as i watched myself spout the manifesto of pain…is that i was telling the same old story about myself, even though i have made so many changes in my life and within myself. and with this realization, a deeper one appeared….
i still don’t believe i can do it.
i will not say this anymore. i destroy the manifesto in one blow. the sand mandala of pain is dispersed. it lives no more.
believing in myself is the protocol.
believing i have the power to thrive in this life is the new manifesto. ingenuity replaces extremism. presence replaces the past and the future is a blossoming flower connected to a strong stem connected to a nourished root.
lately i have been juggling two polar opposite ideas….that who we are is who we are no matter what, inherently….verses the fluidity of who we are being ever changing, and that identities are verbs and not nouns.
some identities are permanent, hard wired, and here to stay about who we are. being gay or straight is a permanent inherent identity, for instance. the essential personality is what it is, like when a litter of puppies are born, you see their individual unique personalities hard wired in them. call it what you will. i call it the soul.
while other traits and identities are like software getting downloaded from life experience, genetics, and upbringing. such as learning helplessness…or on the positive side, learning confidence.
it’s a tricky thing, because these learned traits morph into solid identities over time. is confidence an inherent trait or did you learn it? it being sensitive inherent, or did you learn it? have you grown into a sensitive passive type because it’s what you learned or because you have an extremely gentle and unworldly soul?
knowing the difference is key.
i am discovering with myself, that my hard drive self is a healer and artist, here in the lifetime on a specific mission filled with a particular meaning. i chose my family and my struggles specifically to remember this soul mission and to awaken to my life lessons. all is meant to be.
yet what i am seeing arise this past week (before mercury goes retrograde) are software identities that have been formed over time, that no longer serve who i am. i am catching myself as i speak about who i am to others. deep within, my soul is saying, “what are you saying? this is no longer relevant, and it’s also really harsh. let it go now.”
what you resist will persist. the old software’s manifesto made sure i could keep on resisting something vital to my growth…namely, self empowerment. you see, it’s not about outcomes or appearances, it’s about the strength, vitality, and health of the being.
because of this i dissolve the old manifesto and look directly into the eyes of why i chose to face this struggle, learn this lesson, and transcend an older model of myself.
mercury retrograde starts tomorrow, and it goes till the end of the month….it’s about self reflection and revisiting, revising, revamping, rewinding, receiving, and renewing. may this month of mercury retrograde be fruitful for you.