venus went direct yesterday, did you feel it? to be honest i did not feel a huge shift. this entire week has felt like a flat line to me. no inner depth, no creative inspiration, no speaking with entities on the other side, no flaming desires…all i can do is sweat yoga, work, contemplate, and watch movies. i feel dull. there was a bit of end of a cycle inner reflection about my roots, my past, where i have been and who i am now…but it feels boring. i feel like a vulture circling over the death of my own remains, trying to feed myself. i am sick of the healing modality. venus opened her eyes yesterday and there was i saying, “oh hey, what now, more nothingness?” lonely, i am. friends all getting or already in relationships. me waiting, always waiting. i feel sad. but it’s ok. this is how i will feel until i get the idea for my next book. i need to be writing. i know i cannot control when my true love will arrive, so i gotta be strong and let go. sweat it out on the mat and appreciate all i have. learn the deeper lessons. right now the lessons are patience, devotion, steering, navigating, trusting…as i move this ship that is michelle through the sea of the present. sweat yoga continues to save my life. i am a devotee. i want to teach yoga one day. i am having fantasies of opening a restaurant too. venus is coursing through me desiring community. i want to feed people words, mush, wine, insight, and inspiration. mercury is gonna go retrograde in like a week. february is about taking it easy. the grey ladles itself into my brain. welcome to the pacific northwest winter. craving nature getaways. craving montana. craving trees. and the sea. the biggest lesson i am learning right now continues to be the lesson of non-grasping. i watch my desires writhe like snakes and simmer back down into their dark cave. learning self control is interesting. it’s like learning how to paint. i have a ton of control over my brush after painting for so many years. life is art. i am making a painting. i am making a storyline. control over the medium is essential. the chaotic feminine wild part of me revolts and says, “stop it, let me be free!” she needs her outlet too. all the parts need outlets. this is why i have no desire to be only one thing. i am not a purist. i am a diplomat, a juggler, and a weaver of various tales. the other mammoth lesson i am learning right now is acceptance. the devil in my psyche wants to take me down right now, because i am growing and flourishing. the self sabotage program is in full effect. about a thousand times a day currently, i am picturing buddha sitting under the bodhi tree peacefully, as a million arrows are pointed at him, as temptation dances around him, and death entices….for…in my own life the same thing is happening. i am sitting peacefully watching the harmful things appear and try to destroy me. my mind is a sun giving only nourishment and love. on the outside i look like your average seattle girl living her little life, going to and from little boxes to do stuff and work and hang out. but on the inside, war is transcending into enlightenment. enlightenment of love, that is. learning how much power i actually have over myself. the power of the mind. the power of intention. the lessons i am thankful for. venus, you can count on me to make your love a full blossomed tiger lily growing up through the cement cracks of the city and my heart. see, just a little bit of writing took me from dull to inspired. i have to write. i need to write more more more more. muse come back, give me the story. grey skies put me indoors at the keys typing, or maybe i write this one long hand, in tiny cafes. venus, i am a vessel for you, in twelve different ways.