the universe is testing me right now. i like the way emerson put it…that fate is a wall that we have the opportunity to climb over. i feel that. i could sulk right now. i could invest in my story of deprivation. but no, i can’t. cause it feels false now. it doesn’t make sense anymore. but still…there is an ache, a sorrow. i am slowly detaching this sorrow from the old way of perceiving it…the old meaning is gone. my goal is to remember i am love. i am love, i am love. when the rash ignites so does shame. shame and my name were married for years. but i divorced shame over three years ago now…so…the discomfort of being marked, the pack mentality…time to let that go too…cause it’s poo. it’s weird to look back now in emotional retrospect, to see how shame was my blanket in so many ways. people don’t know this is me anymore, and i have not been the extreme of this for about eleven years now…but i do come from it…and there is an honor for that story, because it led me down the road of gaining compassion and understanding. my repressed noble desires turned to sharp claws though, from being denied, and it’s fierce, that part of me. i need to put that part to the mat and bring it out into the night. i crave dark ambient lit places. i am getting distracted. the truth of why i write this blog is because i am lonely. i need connection. i love connecting this way too, in writing, quiet internal writing, sharing that, giving that….and i crave to read yours too. i’ve got this way of connecting down…the way that isn’t on the ground. it’s time to be on the ground. it’s time to let somebody all the way in, all the way back, fully, and for me to go all the way into them, and for us to learn and grow from that, as well as enjoy it and be scared of losing it, and all that shadow stuff we constantly play with in this earth realm, where we are fascinated still, by our lovelessness…like an experiment…or something lost….something is lost…we can feel it…that familiar feeling of not knowing and fearing the unknown…yet, i feel like it’s possible to not fear what we already know is life, both with teeth and rainbows, blood and prayers, battles and marriages…..black and white…we are used to it…can we make something new? it’s time to morph black and white into color. you don’t want to? you cling to the past, intoxicated with nostalgia…but if you cling to what used to be, you will wither over time, for that journey is resigned to the pain of the best being behind you…i can’s stop you from going there…you can only stop yourself…i have stopped myself…i used walk directly into destruction with a sign outside my head that read, “no vacancy.” i did not want to be a part of the world. that’s why people leave it in all sorts of ways…some psychological and some physical…there’s a thousand ways to leave your love for life….and then to come back to love…self love especially. it’s a big deal to return to love. i have plunked head first into the bottomless pit of shadows and now i am reaching toward the celestial spheres. pandora radio on the “cocteau twins” channel is flowing into my ears like luscious waves of golden serenity joy, happiness. music, a rejuvenator. music, holding me like i need to be held. i hope you enjoyed this blog, and if not, oh well….