spewology vegas style…

it’s weird how different i feel when i am in vegas….verses seattle.  vegas…the dry desert air, big blue sky, red mountains, expansiveness (i’m talking earth not culture)…and seattle…moist spirals of lush thick convoluted life, spiders, mold, and green.  i don’t know.  i mean, i do know.  i only say i don’t know because i am tired of hearing myself talk.  it’s great when a friend tells me how much she is loving and savoring my novel.  i was beginning to feel really insecure.  hope was restored.  sometimes it takes some outside validation.  i may have only about seven people who have read and loved my book, but that’s still a victory.  writing, editing and publishing it was a victory.  i believe in my talent even if you don’t.  same with painting, many don’t love my work, but some do.  i have to be content with the desire for more and appearance of a little bit.  well, i don’t have to.  it’s weird to see how time changes people.  rocks erode.  human lives transform.  who we are now, is so different than who we were. some more than others.  she is glowing with pregnancy. soul contracts are formed.  letting go is the big theme.  i’ve been tapping into the spirit world a lot due to the next book after “journey of souls” called “destiny of souls”…more hypnotherapy sessions about life between lives.  i feel it and i know it, but why must i say that?  because i have a mammoth desire to express myself and this will never change.  no i am not a career person, i am a poor lonely artist.  maybe i too, will find a mate to financially support me.  or maybe i wont and i will be discovered and make my own money.  or maybe i get by, somehow…always.  i care and i don’t care.  i know my worth, and i believe in my art but i still get insecure.  i still wonder if i could be a medical receptionist or a bartender?  something that could give me a decent living…but it feels so wrong.  being a purist in this fashion sucks because i am willing to die this way.   i am a tarot reader and it is my gift, and i wish i could make a good monetary living out of it.  i suppose i could, if i learned to manage my time better.  i am learning to not empathize and it’s increasing my capacity to read more souls and be more effective for others.  learning how to be more streamlined in general.  losing weight on all levels. again…letting go.  this world is a bitch.  i do feel deep opposition to our society, and unless society changes, my opposition will remain true.  this is why non-grasping is my savior.  i do my own saving.  i learn to let go.  i cannot wait to see my sister in a few hours.  i am lucky to be so close to my family, despite being the black sheep.  i am lucky a white furry beast sits before me in her box, and loves to be pet.  i won’t give up.  sweat yoga is my mantra.  went today, to a vegas class, and transformed from stress and scattered mind to peaceful mind and centered.  i hope to teach yoga one day.  i have found where i belong.  on the mat.  in the cards.  to the canvas.  to the keys.  keep adding on.  sweating is addictive in a good way.  i am unsure what to change about my life.  do you ever feel like that?  content and restless at once?  happy and sad at once?  it’s hard to be sad with so much sun on my face.  but i love the grey skies and rain.  i love my job.  i love.  we have so much luxury, anybody reading this.  to make choices.  to make inside choices and use inside voices.  or we can project and blame others and victimize the self in order to cope with the pain, and avoid feeling pain’s true form.  no, i wont slap a smile on my face.  i’d rather scream into a rain storm and slide down slippery consuming mud into a river bank, cry into tree roots, and sing to the moon every feeling from grief to rapture….