emotional yoga revelations…

more on the lesson of non-grasping…

first i want to clear up the assumption that non-grasping means anti-desire. not at all.  non-grasping honors desire, and one must desire to learn the lesson of non-grasping in the first place, to learn it.  a lot of people think buddhist ideas are anti-desire or anti-human living in some way…but the truth is…the ideas buddha came up with are more like a psychological practice that brings a sense of inner harmony, making human living more enjoyable, loving, compassionate, and tranquil.  for me anyway, and many others who resonate…

the thing i want to talk about is the difference between experiencing non-grasping, verses repressing feelings, because i am finding myself experiencing the latter at certain times, and realizing why…

my emotional cycles shift with my feminine cycles, and you might find this is true for you too.  i have my solar cycle and lunar cycle.  in my solar cycle, i feel vibrant and autonomous, happy, strong, will-full, like a powerhouse.  in my lunar cycle, i feel sorrow and vulnerability, weak and lost, psychic and fecund.  i know that i am learning a lot about mastering self love and inner happiness right now, and that my lunar cycle can become something more creative and joyful while my solar cycle can calm down a bit (i exhibit contrasting extremes due to old habits and patterns of thoughts), but for now, i honor who and how i am.

so when i switched into my lunar cycle this time around, non-grasping duped me.  for in my solar cycle, when i am naturally happy, it was easy to release my grasp on all i wish to happen and all i wish to possess, and enrich myself with the learning process.  yet once i went lunar, i found myself repressing my sorrowful feelings, and mantra-ing myself into non-grasping or trying to fake it, not authentically experiencing non-grasping…and i knew it because i was not feeling the peace that genuine non-grasping initiates in my body.

once i caught myself repressing, i let out the feelings.  and let me tell you, nothing about the loneliness and pain of being human wants to release it’s grasp within me.  so i’ve decided to let myself grasp and feel the sorrow until enough gets expressed in order to let go of the grasp.  i have learned that going fully into the feeling is the best and fastest way to transmute a feeling.  i am honoring my grasping sorrowful loneliness…

i watch the movie “her” and how timely.  i related to the main character and could feel what he was feeling….i am seeing myself in his light…how much time i spend alone on my computer each night after the work day is done, cause i don’t feel like socializing and my heart is lonely for romantic love.  i could even see myself falling in love with an OS program, it’s not a stretch.  and i think that anybody who experiences what i do, going four or more years without a romantic partner, or being mid-way through life and still never having much luck with romantic relationship experience, might feel it too….

and then there is the part about society becoming more about our connection to computers and less about our connection to other people…of which i don’t want to digress into…but i will say that…it is a comfort for me, technology…i think it’s a comfort for the introverted personality who is easily chafed by others…and finds solace in his or her own company….and it’s understandable, and i relate…extroverts feel differently, those who crave to always be around family feel differently…but there are those of us who don’t crave a ton of personal contact with others, or who like to relate to others through the computer… and i don’t think it’s bad in and of itself…but the balance can be thrown off…and create problems….

anyhow…the point being…i am allowing myself to feel the sorrow in my heart, without story making (too much of it) and without pity either…for i remember choosing this life in the spirit world before i was born…i am not a victim of this loneliness, i am here to learn something from it…and for as much as it hurts, i trust this.  at the same time, i cannot implement lessons too soon…meaning, i cannot use the knowledge that i chose this experience and the lesson of non-grasping to ignore the sorrow, or push it down into my tummy unconsciously…repressing…denying….

and i realized i was doing this because i do find myself grasping for my solar self when i go lunar, and i need to release that grasp, honor and love my lunar self for where she is….and i am stopping now, no more denying….

i am seeing how to navigate myself though this lesson….

during my lunar phase i need to simply feel what i feel….that’s all.  when i return to my solar cycle, i can release the grasp my feelings have on the desire to be with somebody….and learn from letting go, explore the reason i set up for myself in the spirit world to experience this, and transmute through intention and mental focus.  for now…i allow the feelings to exist in their raw innocent form, no agenda,  and i am treating myself like an innocent creature…self love.

my advise, if you too are practicing the lesson of non-grasping, is to pay careful attention to the subtle difference between being able to genuinely do it, and repressing feelings.  it’s like yoga. you can look like you are in down dog, but your alignment can be totally off, and you are not really doing proper down dog.  you might need to do a variation and slowly over time, ease your way into the pose.  or you might be able to do it sometimes, and other times need a variation, or rest from trying.  same with emotional yoga, go easy on yourself…honor where you are at in the process.  let the tide of who you are ebb and flow…

as long as your intention is to learn non-grasping, you will over time…and just like anything a human being learns, eventually it will become innate and you will move on to the next learning…