full moon cancer spew…

i have been hyper aware of grasping these past few weeks.  the distress that exudes from the face of somebody spewing about what hurts, or the look of denial on the face from somebody who refuses to admit it to themselves, or the confusion contorting the lips, or the uncertainty slumping the shoulders, or whatever it may be that is expressing itself all over the human being when talking about their life…i am seeing it.  grasping.  i am seeing it within myself too.  and this is why i have chosen silence.  because i am tired of the feeling of grasping.  i want to approach myself in a new way.  i know in my heart what i desire, and i am working on feeling and honoring my desires, but not clinging to them, not feeling like i need to posses future outcomes, and having a deep sense of trust, remembering how short this life is, a blip on the massive universal radar, a prayer flag dissolving in the elements….i am feeling all of this…and feeling mother earth prepare for something, i am not sure, but i know our human race is going to see the lesson manifest for all of us…as people come to me for readings about careers and love, i keep feeling like soon it wont be about that for any of us, soon it will be about waking up to the cold reality, the light of day, the loss of electricity, the loss of money, the loss of lives, change, change, and more change. and i know what you want to say, and i do hope i am wrong…but then i do not hope i am wrong, because the fucked up way this world is being run enslaves people and needs fixing, and how easy it is for us first world people to be self absorbed, taking only a minutes a day if that, to cry for the down trodden, before returning to our grasping…our hopes that we get what we want out of life, our hopes to satiate our heart’s desires, it’s natural and innocent, and also it’s a sickness that keeps the current wheel churning…i am feeling the zoomed out feeling of how we need to be challenged collectively, as if i am uranus himself, looking upon our human race, ready to pull the rug out, or mother earth herself tired of housing sickness on her surface, the mistreatment, the putting money first at the expense of human lives, religious fanaticism, abuse, addiction, corruption happening daily while we get our lattes and buy our pretty things, i do it too, the comfort is real, and yet this comfort zone is a sickness too…i am not saying it’s wrong to enjoy the simple pleasures of life by any means, but i am saying, at what expense?  at whose expense?…..i know it’s not a popular idea to bring this up, because it’s not easy to digest….most people want what is easy, to always smile, to look the other way, or stay focused only on the positive aspects of life.  there is a difference between using positivity to cover up deeper issues (which is denial), and remaining positive in the face of pain, sorrow, loss, grief, challenges and hardships…i subscribe to the latter…in my own life, as i don’t get what i want, i remain positive about the sorrow i feel, and decide to learn a lesson about letting go of grasping.  if bigger changes occur that change the scope of human daily life, i will have the same positive attitude toward this.  but i wont use positivity to cover up the real facts of what is harmful about current human life, or to cover up my feelings of sorrow, anger, or fear.  i am not afraid to feel and it’s taken me a while to overcome this fear.  and i recognize this being the biggest issue.  people are afraid to feel sorrow, anger, loss, grief.  we’ve been taught that these feelings are terrible and to avoid them at all costs, and as a result…corruption thrives, as people become addicted to substances, exercise, other people, work, shopping, pleasure, or whatever works for them to cover up both the personal and world feelings of all that is imbalanced and painful.  as i dedicate to yoga, i go deeper into allowing repressed feelings to arise without covering them up.  i don’t ignore my heavy heart when it beats heavy, and i don’t treat it with fear or only honor the light hearted cycles.  drifting between dark and light feelings, without judgement, brings flexibility, ease, grace, inner peace, and the fortitude to face larger problems…i am thankful for this…and i wish this for everybody…because if we all could stop denying, stop being addicted, stop being so dualistic in our thinking, and instead learn to flow into the discomfort and feel the feelings that hurt and treat life with this attention to detail and tenderness, we could correct the larger issues, we would put humanity first, we might be able to solve the riddle and create more harmony, so mother earth does not have to give us another wake up call.  or if not mother earth, life on some level.  i see it in readings…how if the person does not do their inner work, life breaks them open and forces them to face their inner self.  there is no escape from what must be faced, within and without.  we can only deny for so long.  honesty in facing the feelings, we are self absorbed beings, look at kids, look how we are born into self centeredness, it’s what we learn from the get go…but also, if we were not born into this economic, political, psychological, and social set up, we might learn to care for all of life and ourselves in equal proportion…for the grasp of desire is who we are, and i wonder how much would change if we grasped all at once for a sane loving free world for all humans.  but letting go of grasping is who we are too.  letting go of reactivity.  i see myself not get what i want in my personal life blossom out to humanity and all that is unnecessarily painful for people on all levels and transfer my personal anger and sorrow into world wide anger and sorrow…and it feels like i need to let go of grasping for both…and surrender to what is, exactly as it is, right now, breathe…this is just a spew.  i cannot make my thoughts well crafted equations right now.  i cannot try to have this make sense.  i am not trying to convince.  i can only share how i feel with this cancer full moon influence.  all of my wanting i am releasing, as i face the illusions of my own psyche, feeling like something is lost, and feeling like i wanna go home or get the hell out of here…escape…but i won’t.   to the mat for more forgiveness, acceptance, compassion, inner strength, self love, and release…i know the absence of something i need is flaring my emotions…i let go…of grasping…