venus retrograde bubblings and brewings…(unedited).

this venus retrograde is time of revaluation of our values and relationships…i feel like sharing with you my process lately…in several areas of my life…the cosmic mirror is clearing…

i look to my karma with being a reader, a healer, a guide, having this particular relationship with people, both loved ones and clients, through out lives…and i can feel my reluctance.  this is why i am prodigal.  because of my reluctance…my aversion to it.  why?  it does not feel good.  why?  i am not inspired and my compassion is exhausted.  why?  i am off balance?  need more fun?  more affection?  happy times?  yes, that.  but it goes deeper.  venus sink into the earth, and tell me what you see, speak to me venus…

venus: you are unhappy because the light in your heart feels too distant from those whom you guide, and you want to feel closer.  you never truly touch ground, even though you are the ground.

oh…cryptic.  unexpected.  (i let that come out without thinking.)

i’ve been studying tibetan vajrayana buddhism lately and digging it’s mysticism.  the mind is water, is the in the east, the great cosmic mirror, the awakened perception that has a direct experience of clear mind, the mirror, the truth of “as within, so without”…and the poison of this purity is…aggression…which stems from the pain of being rejected.  yes. immediate knowing of my own aggression.  growing up being teased.  feeling unwanted.  feeling unheard.  all of it.  and even though i released that story years ago and feel at peace with who i am…there is still my conditioning, in the north, my karma, green, the way my cells respond to life.  like getting an older animal from the pound who has been injured and mistreated…i might not know how to love the world…and i might fear the world hurting me…

this is the next level of letting go….the karmic level…deeper than this life’s story, deeper than feelings….i am letting go of the conditioning.

how?

sweat yoga.  diatamaceous earth.  no meat.  msm powder.  meditation.  lemon water.  cinnamon.  painting.  it’s physical.  it’s in the cells….

for…

my new cells desire to love the world and give my love, even if they are mean, grumpy, shitty, whatever…because this is my heart, the lapis lotus, my indigo palace…wanting to love, needing to love, needing to be all love, the infinite light of love, a swell of compassion, an inundation of forgiveness, of tenderness, of sweetness and of understanding….no matter how my heart is treated back…i am stronger than the weak hearted…i don’t need them to love me back..i am here to give my strength…

so that’s it, venus.  it’s time to let go of my conditioning, the karma of not loving, liking, or caring for others unless they are in my inner circle or love me back.  i am polishing my mirror and remembering that we truly are all one.  i can feel this.  i can feel this with a sociopathic killer just as much as with the most loving human being whom ever lived.  i don’t know why or how i can feel this, i just can, and it feels so true…for, it is my direct experience.  and i want to fully be my direct experience.

with romantic love i also set myself free…

whom have i wanted, whom have i loved…whom i thought i needed…i let it all go now…because…i don’t know.  i have been too broken by pain.  i never got to play in the garden.  i grew up in the underworld (and i miss it too), so it’s all very weird for me…to know who is right for me…but i do know what i will feel, and that is all i need to know… i know i will feel loved.  i know i will feel like laughing.  i know i will feel trust.  i know i will feel like loving him with every cell, with devotion.  i know i will feel scared.  i know i will feel challenged.  i know i will feel like it’s right.  i know i will feel surprised.  i know i will feel good about his smell and want to meld into him.  i know i will feel heat.  i know i will feel safe with him.  i know i will feel happy.  this is all that matters.

i let go of thinking i need this and that.  i let go of trying.  my yearning is a beacon and it’s calling him to me and he can feel it, and my mind feels like it’s time to stop thinking about it so much.

and with other love…

there are friends i let go of because we’ve grown too far apart.  my love does not wane.  my love is permanent, and if it’s not, i never really loved you to begin with, and i was in some sort of denial.  this is personally speaking.  not the universal love.  to stand in my truth hurts a lot.  sometimes there are no answers or solutions.  pain is present in my beating chest like a phoenix unable to rise.  i must surrender for now.  there is no way to comprise.  all death leads to rebirth….

venus will soar new from her ashes.

well…

i think that’s enough sharing for now…

man, this sweat power yoga is transforming my life.  it’s making me brand new.  i had to overcome challenges to get myself there too.  wait, i must end this with something about my relationship to myself…

i am a hedonist at heart, and i like it.  i also need balance.  my goal is to balance hedonism and health so that i can enjoy both.  i need variety as much as i need to breathe.  if i become too one way, i start to wither.  sometimes i get confused.  am i supposed to move now?  my craving for variety is strong.  but i also feel home in seattle.  i feel home on the hill.  this dark light underworld magical vortex is something special.  maybe we can keep it going.  i feel devoted.  i love the yoga place i go to.  i love where i work.  but am i turning into a pigeon?  do i need to let go and devote to a new place?

i am not sure.

i don’t feel like being neat and concise.  this blog is all over the place, but its heart is beating venus retrograde in hopes to inspire you to sink down into yourself and reevaluate your relationships and values.

i love you.