retrograde reflections and ramblings…

currently i am reading three books…all research for the next story i am gonna poop out of me.  a few days ago i pooped out a painting.  the lovers.  was given a message, by the priestess vivian, to paint this.  i resisted for a long time.  maybe a few months.  i could not think of what i would paint.  i could not connect.  on friday it came out of me all at once.  i was unable to see it in my head…and painted by feeling.  i am not going to reveal it yet on the internet.  it’s not time.  the lovers is simmering on my wall…it mesmerizes me….

it’s so alive…

book number one i am reading is “endless love” by scott spencer, the story of a 17 year old boy obsessed over a a fifteen year old girl, his love seems to make bad things happen, and it’s really intense.  the book is psychologically rich so far…

on the polar opposite end of the spectrum, i am reading “luminous emptiness…understanding the tibetan book of the dead,” by francesca fremantle.  obsessed with the feeling i get when tapping in to buddhist guidance on how to touch my inner wisdom.  i am steeping in peace and emptiness currently.  i crave to absorb historical knowledge.

i remember the lifetime when i was a chinese monk.  a man.  i lived in peaceful silence most of the time and was prone to fits of laughter.  one day, while walking along the steep cliff, i looked down and felt like jumping, because i thought it would be funny.  i was overjoyed by my ability to end my physical life with such spontaneous abandon, and in that moment, i jumped.  it was fun.  i know that sounds weird.  maybe it doesn’t.  that life is special to me.  i remember how happy i felt.

buddha’s language of understanding speaks to me deeper than any other language i have delved into from a spiritual seeker.

the third book is called, “journey of  souls” and it’s hypnotherapy sessions with people when they are in between lives.  totally different than the tibetan book of the dead’s version but both are linear oriented.

the continuity i feel between my physical and non-physical life is more multi-dimensional…like…my soul is a fractal pattern tapestry of light having 52 experiences of being entities and deities, and within those expressions, living various amounts of lives as each one…maybe 89 earth human lives, 5 pleaidian lives, 3 andromedan lives, and 42 lives as galaxies…this type of thing…

but when i zoom farther out in my perception, i don’t see myself being anything at all…except the blue light of consciousness, just how they say so in the tibetan book of the dead…how all form is a projection of true nature.  whether your soul’s path is linear or multi-dimensional, however it flows…all form is projecting from the projector-the light of consciousness.

each moment i feel this, a beatific peace courses through my body like warm milk into a kitten.

wisdom makes me feel happy, and the world feels lighter when focused within…

i am rambling.  i know it might be boring for some, and interesting for the more metaphysical minded…

what i like about the journey of souls book is how it makes me feel.  it makes me remember being in the spirit world, the part in between lives…the weird cauldron of decision making and soul learning…i remember being there too.  i can feel myself being there right now.

maybe this is why i am feeling burned out on processing other people’s darkness.  i am beginning to feel something new and it’s not empathy but it’s just as powerful.  instead of processing or being a guide through the dark thicket of the psyche, i wish to transmit this energy i feel to other people…i want to be like a silent battery, and get out of the head.  if you want head, read my books instead…or these blogs.  otherwise i am a heart being sharing my beatific peace with you, as we laugh and cry and fall and stand up and have experiences and love and lose and get ill and heal and…you get the idea…as we move through all of these experiences together…each with our own little diamond universe in our diamond hearts, sometimes wearing muddy rain boots and soaked to the marrow.

i feel sorrow and joy squeezing each other tightly within me right now….

looking at my lovers painting, i see myself in him and him in me…i see alchemy, my own masculine and feminine sides revealed, isis and osiris, the sun and moon, water and fire, earth and air…i see sexual attraction as a vibrant and nourishing home…not something porno or masked, not shameful, youthful or hidden.

this love is a churning fire that feeds, replenishes, warms, teaches, and connects…the challenging tension creates mutual growth…it will be a new experience for me…to learn through intimacy and connection…i have been priestess in the ashram for many years, speckled with karmic romances reflecting inner struggle and healing healing healing the hurt until the hurt dissolved, loved into nothingness…

feeling returned to true luminous emptiness.

for now…

i think i shall toss the healing path into the healing trash!  it’s time for a new structure of blossoming…