it seems i have fallen into the emotional realm of bleakness. at least that’s what my closest loved ones are telling me. perhaps it’s because i am in a new phase of accepting pain, all the way to the core….and hence, my thoughts travel to many worst case scenarios about life and death…my life and death…the life and death of humanity….etc. i must travel to the worst case scenarios to do this pain work because it’s all about non-resistance.
i am not going to resist or run away from the feeling of pain on any level.
people go through painful experiences every day. death, loss, illness, oppression, injustice, imprisonment, abuse, rape, violence, being abandoned, loneliness, betrayal….the list goes on and on. it is what is. pain is. pain is real.
the work i am doing now is different than the work of processing pain. for i am realizing these days, that the only things that need processing are neurosis and dysfunction. if you hate yourself, you need to process that mental story to get to the root feeling of pain that the story of self hatred is covering up. but once you hit the pain, feeling and accepting it, is all there is left to do. that’s an example. point being, the mental stories we wrap tightly around the emotional pain, serve as a disguise, serve to give us distance from the pain.
there are two types of stories we can wrap around pain…those that make us “feel better” and those that make us “feel worse”. the stories that make us feel worse are the neurosis, covering up emotions of guilt, self blame, self judgement…but that’s not the root. the root will alway be somebody else who did not love us properly. it will come from an experience where we were not treated with love and respect. humans are reactive beings. it’s not inside of us to determine who we are, until we are having relationships with others, with our environment.
all of these stories created to disguise the pain beneath, are the medication we administer to ourselves…and we tend to get addicted to our meds. i was hooked on the story of hating myself for many years. i still can get triggered into self criticism. it can be a slippery slope. but lets not forget that some people create false happiness stories too. they say nothing is wrong and distract their attention. sometimes this is ok, but only if the pain is accepted beneath. if there is resistance to the pain, the story serves as a disguise, and not a filter.
i want all of my stories to be filters. no more disguises for me. i am going hard core buddhist. my goal is transparency.
because the two most important experiences i value in life continue to not happen for me. and i don’t want to hear comparison stories anymore. i don’t want to feel gratitude compared to those who have it worse. i don’t want to play such mental tricks. they have their place-those re-frames, but it’s become tiresome. anybody who tries to cheer me up, or re-frame my perspective has become tiresome too. i don’t want to hear it. it’s winter, and i am taking a brave journey into emotional honesty, and getting to deeper levels of pain acceptance. if i can look at my worst case scenarios and accept that pain, i am free.
this freedom is my treasure.
i write a lot about the two perspective of life, from the soul and ego point of view. both are equal valid aspects of being human. the ego wanting pleasure. the soul wanting growth. the ego wanting safety and security. the soul wanting experience and expansion. from ego’s point of view, the pain i experience from the lack and longing in my life, is very real. instead of rising above it, and trying to ignore my ego, i am deciding to strengthen my ego by giving it the tools to handle the pain. creatively. hence, my bleak mode as of late. it’s a phase. and when i am done with it, my ego will be able to walk through fire.
from soul’s point of view…i am expanding my consciousness as michelle. i am transcending pain and pleasure. my consciousness is becoming larger. gaining points. climbing the ethereal ladder. i say this poetically because words cannot describe the feeling of my soul growing inside…
yesterday, i was writing about the gap i feel between my two inner existences: the hopeful mystic and the existential. right and left brain.
the hopeful mystic feels that my spiritual cosmology about being a multi-dimensional consciousness living many lives on many levels at once, is objective truth, and this is the mystic’s safety net and foundation….while the existential aspect of me feels that the mystic’s cosmology was born from pain, and created to take the edge off the pain of living (for most truly heart-felt spiritual people seek shelter in spirituality due to the desire to escape trauma and suffering on some level.)
i felt the gap between these two aspects of myself that don’t agree, and tension rose…until the bridge made itself appear…in the realm of possibility and innovation….
that is does not really matter if the hopeful mystic’s cosmology is objectively true or not, because what if by believing i am a multi-dimensional consciousness living many lives at once, i become this, i create this…because everything is energy, and consciousness is creative, creating worlds from a mysterious place we can never figure out…and i am made up of consciousness, so i too am a creative being, and what i think becomes real, and worlds are made real by the power of my belief.
The objective truth of reality IS that we are creative beings, life is creative, and we are free to create the reality we choose, on an atomic quantum level. Humans have much more power than we are taught. I feel this with every cell….and when we realize this through the realm of physics….that energy is a force that is shaped into form by consciousness, nothing is really solid…and consciousness is dreaming itself into being human, animal, planet, galaxy, universe and beyond…we can let go of black and white thinking about what reality is.
for black and white thinking is another way to resist pain.
think about it. anytime your mind becomes inflexible, fear is lurking beneath in the tender heart…and beneath the fear, further still, is pain…pain as sorrow and grief. as loss. as loneliness. or whatever. insert your experience here. this is my perspective gained from journeying into my own psyche. my experiment. my creative take.
this work is powerful indeed. i have not allowed the hopeful mystic to rest in a while. i have not given the existential air time in a while. and now that the gap is bridged by understanding the similarity of my opposite inner view-points, i feel even more free to delve deeply into the existential pain of life…and take this “bleak ride”. it’s sort of funny. like, this is the part where i need to put on my black turtle-neck, light up a pretend cigarette, and read dark poetry at an open mic. i can laugh at myself while i investigate the shadows. my walk into hades this year will be romantic too. if not for beauty, i would grow tired.
beauty is not the polished surface of pleasure to me. beauty is the raw emotional experience. every one of us goes through painful times. it’s a part of being alive here. if we resist it, we will only suffer. suffering is not feeling pain. suffering is born from resistance to pain, from believing you are not supposed to be feeling pain. but we are meant to feel pain. it’s part of our learning curve and growth. it’s half of the reason we are here….to experience and accept what hurts, making us more vulnerable, learning to feel deeper levels of love, compassion, and understanding for ourselves, those we love, and life itself…
and then…we can move on.