the feelings are passing…the storm. the desire for expansion is still strong as ever….but i have found composure. i know i need to start on my next book, but no ideas are coming. i changed my work schedule and hoping this helps. i need change so bad. i know i could move but still nothing feels right. i am unsure if i will keep living here and working at the same place (which is home), or if spirit is going to take me someplace new with new work? i have given up on looking for love. and that’s when it’s supposed to arrive, but i am not giving up in order to manifest it. i simply cannot stand longing for what i don’t have anymore. it hurts too much. it’s easier to accept what is, and accept the pain that comes with it. total honesty. it’s not that the longing vanishes, but when i allow it to be there as-is, i find more peace than trying to make it go away by getting what i want. where i am relentless is with my creative expression. i will never give up.
the cold weather is here. it’s fucking freezing and sunny like the east coast. i know i need to force myself on a walk but not sure if i will or i can. isn’t that weird? i am not in control of myself completely. or is it that i am rebelling against myself? or there is another self that has different ideas of how to live half the time? how wack does that sound? i have the self that lives by the waxing moon and the self that lives by the waning moon, is what it is. and it’s these two aspects of self that keep my creative fires churning. my waning self needs more chaos, needs to allow my body to take a different more spontaneous rhythm…slower, less orderly, more indulgent….midnight blue. once the new moon comes i will get back to working out and being orderly and solar, red and orange and yellow. i cannot stand to be locked into the same movements and thinking patterns day in and day out, it makes me feel crazy and trapped…i need continual expansion.
and i need variety. i could tattoo that word on my body, variety, that’s how much it means to me, that’s how much i need it. i must accept my rebellious waning moon nature, and create to shatter this impulse to self blame. that’s the missing piece. i am gonna do a lovers painting. i am gonna make a tarot deck. i am gonna write a new book. winter, bring it. i am ready to plunge into your depths and sorrows. i love you winter. i’ve got my citrine and pyrite on, keeping me warm and energized. i’ve got to step out of my resistance. the most creativity comes out of restriction. i don’t need more of anything. this tiny box standing on stilts is my gift. this routine is my anchor. winter is about going within to find the flame of desire that gets overlooked by summer’s dominating presence. i never liked summer to be honest, it’s so loud. the cold suits me. i must turn winter nights into something positive. i shall. i am the alchemical fire. fire fire fire. i don’t know what i am saying anymore. i hope you are tapping into your fire too…and not letting winter turn you into a frozen lake.