tales of transformation…

i don’t know if you’ve been feeling it too…but these past few days i have felt sorrow, grief, like giving up, in the wrong place, wondering what the hell is going on, among other very uncomfortable emotions.  i know not to create stories, and to observe the feelings with compassion….and i am doing this…for i know to sink into the story would bring on a certain demise….and oh, the urge is strong…to bring it all down, to turn everything to dust, to walk away with nothing, to lose myself in the chaos.  i can say with certainty that i wont.  i am not that person anymore.  but i still feel an urge.

i think this might have to do with chiron going direct, i am not sure, but there is always a celestial influence backing up the cycle…

not to mention i am cyclical, as many women are….and i know once the full moon comes, that the shadows surround me and ask for integration and love…and i always wonder…if i will one day transcend this work, the integration completed… or if i will live like this for the rest of my life, submerged half the time in the dark work of shadow integration.  though interesting to note…when i am working, painting, writing….the sadness goes to good use, it is transformed into something beautiful.  i don’t always need to consciously engage it…which might mean, that i ditch the mental paradigm of doing shadow work, in favor of creative and productive distraction.  for sometimes patterns just need to be broken.  most likely, i will do a little of both…cause life is rarely so simple as to choose one thing over another.

lets face it, there is a lot to be sad about in this world and in my own life too…so it’s not inappropriate….i won’t dwell in the shadows, but i wont force myself to be like all the sunny tough skinned people either…cause that’s not me, and thank goodness for the variety.

speaking of…the sun it out today, bright and strong, like those tough cookies i know.  and i welcome it today, because it’s time for a shift out of the sorrow…for it can only last about two days anyhow…and i am happy for the resilience i have built over the years.  i bounce easily from one cycle to the next.  i jump in the cold pool right after the hot pool with bravery and ease…and today is that jump.  this blog is an encapsulation of what i have learned and understood about myself these past few days…

i dreamed last night about moving into the most famous high rise in new york city (fictional but in the dream real).  i dreamed i was making money off of art.  i was living high in the sky in the center of manhattan, and thrilled to be doing it.  i remember when my apartment burned down in portland and the old man i stayed with that night told me maybe i was not meant for portland, because i needed to be in the center of all the action.  this dream was about that.  i have warring desires in my heart.  do you ever feel that?  part of me wants to live on land a ways out, and create a sustainable community.  and part of me wants to live in the thick of the dirtiest most fucked up city possible.  extremes.

i crave dark as much as i crave light.  i crave chaos as much as i crave order.  in the dream i liked feeling like i was floating above the chaos.  and it’s not that i want destruction or injustice or to bask in the chaos cause i am chaos or anything like that… it’s more a craving to bring my light to the dark places.  what good am i, if i am not serving?  my life has proven to me that the central theme is being here for others.

here’s the thing though….i am not here to help people’s bodies be ok and function in the world.  i am here to serve spiritually…simply by being.  wherever i am, a light exudes from me.  it’s not about my personality, ego, career, money.  it’s about my energy.  i am a light bringer and i feel spirit placing me where i am needed.  that being said, i sort of feel spirit prepping me for something.

we shall see…

i simply need to listen…and accept my path…

much of this current awareness has come to me by way of astrology and looking at my degrees.  the degree of my natal moon is all about being a conduit for others, verses self satisfaction.  it’s always been this way, and i have always bitched about it.  i have been reluctant.  it’s an old karmic story i release.  i can no longer fight this aspect of my core being.  i chose to come into this life to bring an energy of unconditional love and compassion, and to allow spirit to be my ultimate employer.  it is what it is.  but not only that…it’s satisfying to be a conduit.  (ironically.)

once again, the infinity symbol rules…being a conduit serves the self.

may acceptance wash over me today, drenching me in light.   appreciation for my unique life with unique circumstances.  and forgiveness for myself, for all the times i allowed destruction to seduce.  with transparency i write this…giving expression to the hidden parts…transforming dark to light again.