winter’s entrance into the heart…

it seems i am not the only one feeling extra emotional.  every reading last night was emotional.  the hanged man was pulled for every client.  and death was also a theme…

cry, scream, get it out.  nothing wrong with emotions or the expression of them.

i felt weary and sorrowful all day, feeling the loss of my parent’s friend, whom i felt close to as well…though i also felt happy she was free of her body finally.  i have been present for many people these past few years, as they grieve a loved one…i have communicated with the souls of those dying, and recently passed…and i have felt both the loss and adventure of new life for the passing.

death is doorway i am coming to more often than not…

the hanged man…we are not always in control…we must surrender.  most people, including myself, want to know from the cards, about love or career…it’s always personal, always goal oriented, always centered around wanting a sense of satisfaction that we feel is missing in our lives.  which is natural.  yet we are here for so much more than to feel satisfaction.  just like when death is present, how people either don’t believe in anything past the body, or believe a man who lived once, was god incarnated….when it comes to living, people tend to only know satisfaction or dissatisfaction.  it’s so black and white.

there is much more variety of experience in life, death, and truth.  perhaps this is why i consider variety a virtue… and i know there is much more variety in the hearts of humans than i am feeling right now in this moment.  i suppose i am ranting a little…and wanting to write about it.

we are not just here to feel satisfied.  we are also here to grow our characters and souls, to learn how to love, to discover our capabilities, to understand our choices, to remember who we are, to discover new ways to be, to gain awareness, compassion, and strength….and when we die…we have options too….we can reincarnate, we can become a star, or a planet…we can return to a multi-dimensional life as a being of light, we can turn to atom dust or nothingness, we can become a spirit guide, we can go to a heaven, we can stay trapped as a ghost, we can fragment and lose sentience….and that’s only a few of the options…not to mention that it’s not just one thing or one being we return to.  though for some it is.  again, variety.  just as we all have individual finger prints…we also have individual soul lives. we might live 24 lives at once, or 3,400, or 5, or none…you get the idea.  and how we live determines what will happen when we die.  we are creating our experience too.  this is my knowing.

i know that the human mind likes to minimize and simplify in order to feel safe and sound living within these confines of life and death…but i don’t buy it.  simple answers do not feel right to me…never have.

and deeper still…chaos exists.  although chaos is not random per se, it is complicated when contrasted to our overly logical simplified minds that need to put the entire spectrum of life and death into a tiny box of knowing and call it a day, because of how our brain’s process information, but also because of thousands of years of cultural conditioning to be overly simplified.  this is my opinion.  if yours is different, wonderful, partake of the variety and lets embrace the tension it creates…because that’s part of living too.  i have friends who are atheist and christian and more about energy like me…and i am lucky in that we all respect one another’s differences.

i think i have been feeling angry at the over simplification in a general sense.  i think i am feeling anger because i wish for more love during the death cycle.  i wish my parent’s friend was treated differently in hospice.  i wish death was treated differently in our culture.  i wish i could be a spiritual guide in hospice but i can’t cause i am not religious by society’s standards of spiritual.  i am not christian or jewish or some other abrahamic religion.  i need to look more into this, but i think that’s the case.  why are the abrahamic religions the only versions of spiritual considered valid by our culture?  there needs to be more variety.

i am not going to get into all the things wrong with religion and spirituality.  i am not going to preach to the choir.  i am not going to affirm the negative.  so long as you your belief is rooted in love, and your spirituality makes you a more loving person, great.  if you use religion as a tool to express hatred, fear, and prejudice, than i hope you grow out of it.  i have no intentions to make everybody think the same, but i do want to create as much human peace and love as possible.  the hanged man…

i cannot control everything.  i must surrender…

certain things pull on my heart strings more than others.  death is one of them.  my desire for people to have peace in their hearts near passing, and an honoring transition from life into death, burns strong in my heart….

i shall continue to allow these emotions to express themselves….winter, every year, you remind me….