collage of feelings and thoughts storm brewing blog

disappointment.  sorrow.  energetic battle.  that’s what the tarot told me to write about today.  so i shall.  i write about this all the time.  i am a dark worker, dark walker, dark storm, dark sea…black and bathed in the mystery!  (can you pick up on my humor?) it’s funny how it’s true though.  people may not understand how steeping in the dark emotions can bring about a sense of fulfillment…the best i can say to that certain misunderstanding is…that revelation is joyful and brings on a feeling a pleasure much more profound than can be described with words…

talking with a soul sister yesterday about our tribal dream.  the complications.  money.  how i could not handle the slaughter of animals on our land, where as she is ok with it, accepting the death of any life form on an equal level-a socialist symbiosis with nature…where as i just don’t have it in my heart to eat life with a face that bleeds.  how would we reconcile this difference?  how do you live collectively but also respect individual differences?  and could i live in the country?  far away from urban life?  i am such a city rat.  i really am.  i wonder if my dream of acclimating to nature is real?  i feel it is.  but i am so used to the urban jungle.  though it saddens me.  it disappoints.  it creates energetic battle.  their is so much wrong with the urban way.  i hate it.  i fucking hate it.  and fucking money.  money money money.

we are poor and without money we can’t make it happen.  we barely make it paycheck to paycheck.  the working poor.  the bohemian poor.  the pink collars.  the minimum wagers.  the dreamers.  those i know who make a good living are content because of it.  we are not.  but we know we cannot focus on money. but how can you not focus on it when not having enough of it makes physical life living hell?  she is getting her soul sucked out of her everyday from doing work that means nothing to her but takes all of her energy.  i am luckier.  it’s not fair.  but we don’t back down.  we transmute and transform.  because we know we are here (incarnated) to transform from the inside out.  at the same time, the physical is key…it’s been overlooked, the spiritual used as a ploy, as a way to keep the rich rich and poor poor.  sure, get the poor to be spiritual so they don’t fight the unfairness and they accept poverty.  bastards.  i don’t love you, users of humanity.  (this is how it feels).

back to love.  remembering that this split, this pain, this unfairness….is a reflection of….a wound…that needs grieving and healing.  no more denial.  no more emotional denial.

this is all real too, you know, the dark emotions, the anger and sorrow and struggle.  i don’t deny it.  i embrace all the sides of the story.  all the emotions.  i am bursting at the seams with emotions.  not trying to make the bad good or the good bad, holding both in my hands like a tiny egg.  i want the here and now to penetrate every cell of my being, bring it on, your dark and light, your tall and short, your thick and thin, your everything.  you are me and i am you, we are one, through and through.  (can you tell in i am entering hades?  the dark chaos of nature?  winter?)

blood the color of diamonds.  bones the shade of the sky.  i just got news that a beautiful soul-friend just died, and my mom did good work being there for her before her passing, and her husband once she left her body.  i am hurting today. and it’s alright.  goodbye beautiful, you are always in my heart.