ranting the longing and the dream…

last night, hanging with a girlfriend, talking about a dream we both share….to live with tribe on land…not a commune…but something like it….a non-nuclear way to live….close to the earth…growing our own food…making our arts and crafts…giving healing…and giving back to the community…enriching it with food, life, art….fulfilling a deeper destiny that is about others…that goes beyond self and personal goals…creating a new way for humans to live…reconnected with nature…having a new sense of family that includes friends too, and not just a partner, children, and those connected by blood….brining in the sustainability factor…and architecturally harmonious structures….holistic living.

this is my dream…

it’s a bigger dream than wanting to “make it” as an artist and writer.  in fact, if i ever do, and get lots of money, i would buy land and make this dream of sustainable artistic healing contributing cultural community happen.  i would funnel everything i make into it.  i want it so much.  and whenever i talk to this particular soul sister, the dream re-ignites in my heart…and i wonder…

what dreams can become real?  and what dreams will wind up only dreams?

i long to create this….

back in the day, i used to be more of a hub for all of my friends, and have them over to my apartment…it felt so natural and right.  i have not done that in a long time, as i have needed to devote the past eight years to personal growth and accomplishing some creative goals… but i feel myself coming back around…wanting to be a hub again…but in a new way…i want to bring us together in a more solid way, on the earth, making, creating, building (capricorn progressed sun).  yet we shall see…if i can make the money, or draw to me the person or peoples who have the resources to make this dream happen.  it’s more important to me than anything, and yet all i can do is let it go.

i wonder….will it happen?

i think about true love…and who i will end up being with?  i think, of course i want to be with somebody who wants this too.  i don’t want to be taken away and made nuclear.  i don’t want to ever lose my connection to my tribe.  though the way of the day, is to live nuclear and meet with friends to socialize a few nights a week…and maybe that’s how it will be…and i am ok with this, i wont complain…but if i have my way…it will be that those who want in on this dream, of which i can name five friends easy off the batt….we will make it happen.  i want to make it happen!  it’s searing my blood, this desire…it’s as strong as my desire to be with true love!

in my perfect dream, this little community will also be a place travelers can stay…like a youth hostel…so that we can keep the community breathing and expanding by sharing with those who stay for a night or two.  bed and breakfast?  we will farm our food and live in earth ships or some other brilliant form of sustainable off the grid housing that is also beautiful…and these separate abodes will allow privacy for the couples or singles or roommates.  we will make delicious food and gather for dinners under the stars with music and and conversation, perhaps some home made wine or beer for those who partake?  art will be made…paintings, clothing, sculpture, music, writing, etc.  anything we can think of, because we are creatively inclined…each person will have what they love to do….and do it with love…

and if children are part of this cause people have them, wonderful, because everybody can raise them (it takes a village)….and we can have horses to ride, and chickens to lay eggs, and of course i don’t want there to be any killing of animals to eat…but i suppose if people want to kill their own animals and eat them that might be ok?  i am not sure.  the key is to avoid dogma….allowing individuation to exist among the collective…so that liberty and community can co-exist in harmony.  it’s a delicate balance, and something i am good at understanding…

when i think about this vision, i see it so clear and want it so deeply my heart feels like it’s breaking, shattering, exploding…needing…needing…needing.

i have always been such a magnet for friends and brining people together…it’s a huge part of my existence…and i realize, that i am tail ending a nine year cycle where i needed to sacrifice that to work on myself, but now that the self work is done…i feel lonely…i want to get my hub back on.  i am not lonely for love though.  i am lonely for something much more physical than love.  i am lonely for physical expression!  i was ranting to my friend last night…

that all of my emotional pain right now is about a physical yearning, it is not mental, and no mental frame of mind can make me feel better, so the best i can do is to accept the emotional pain that stems from this physical yearning for physical closeness and physical expression.  for my deepest dreams are about relationships with others i care about, including earth.  for me, it’s not getting the world to love my art or give me praise (even if a part of me craves that sense of recognition)  it’s more about having a beautiful time being human in this body and showing others that this is possible by living it… and having the resources to bring people together and make this new model of living actually happen…

ok rant alert: not everything in life is about mental transformation!  not everything is about getting the mind to accept suffering or lack or whatever.  not everything is mental!  i have spent the past twenty years in the mental realm, transforming my perception, transcending physical desires and sacrificing them to learn how to love unconditionally and enlighten my being.  it’s been fantastic and hard.  but there is always more to the story.  my spirituality encompasses the physical experience too.  the here and now matters.  the physical moment is the treasure.  it’s the divine feminine.  and i am ready to express and exalt the here and now, and live the physical dream.

its’s all so clear to me today….how sick i am, of being the single bohemian in this urban environment.  how done i feel with this past nine year cycle of sacrifice to learn the larger spiritual lessons about love and acceptance.  i am ready for the big shift, coming back into physical and showing this world that physical happiness is possible, that living in harmony is possible…peace and joy are possible embodied in daily life, not just as a mental acceptance of the pain life brings.  i am ready to build.  do you hear me universe?  i am done with my nine year ashram.  let the stormy power of who i am create new forms of relationship, lifestyle, intimacy with mother earth, physical body love, romantic, family, tribe in the here and now, so mote it be!

(thanks for listening.)  grace enter…