turning 41

it’s birthday time again.  how do i feel about it?  fine.  i don’t like the pressure of birthdays, although i do want to honor the day i came into this world, this time around.

was walking by the graveyard yesterday, knowing in my soul, this was my last incarnation on earth…and it felt like a big deal…it is a big deal, cause i have had many lives here, and done a lot of work, growth, and healing…and now, after this life,  it’s time to leave.

i look at what i have accomplished the past twenty years and see immense progress, despite my desire to look only on what still needs work.  i see clearly, how i have been conditioned to focus on the negative and decide to use that talent to pick out disharmony in paintings and portraits.  creative re-assembling of traits?  sure why not.

the wind is howling outside, sirens are blasting.  it feels stormy, like me.  chaotic, like me right now.  on the precipice of another philosophical transformation.  i will keep you updated.  but lets just say…i am getting bored with these new age laws of nature.

love still holds the deepest value…right beside life purpose actualization, which is on track, and steadying up the mountain like a goat.

i have discovered the power of chinese herbs this year.

i feel stronger than ever about being vegetarian, with a vegan goal, though my love for cheese still take precedence over the cruelty of dairy farms once or twice a week.  and i still eat eggs.  i feel finally over the hump of dipping back into meat eating once a year, and that’s huge progress.

i like being in the forties.  it feels solid, mature, youthful, and tender.  self love is evident, and i still feel supple inside…..youthful, in awe and wonder about life every day…

i notice as i get older, the more individuated i become in comparison to my friends.  in our twenties we seemed much more similar.  in our thirties differences were emerging.  now, i no longer feel similar to anybody i know on the whole, only certain parts.

i also like to spend more time, not socializing with a bunch of people.

and i realize how much i enjoy going to bed early and waking up early…though that could flip pretty easily i am sure…

my fantasies center around nicer living places now.  pitching studio tents in ancient buildings in the city feels like a bummer.  i dream about having a nice kitchen to cook in, and clean solid spaces to nest in.

death feels close to me every day.  i don’t expect myself or anybody i love to keep living.  life each day feels like a miracle.

and yet with all of these changes…i still feel very much the same. committed to the artist spiritual path, barely able to make money, dependent on the universe to keep me alive here by being me, longing for true love, innovating my conceptual context of reality, on the constant hunt for new ways of thinking, living… loving with compassion and working on deeper levels of acceptance.

happy 41 me.