quick notes on the retrograde…

the theme of this mercury retrograde, in all my readings with clients, and in my own journey…seems to be…self doubt.

when external reality provides no new changes or results, from all of your internal “hard work”, what do you do?  do you doubt your choices and path, and reconsider values and perceptions that need to be let go of?  or do you persevere with patience and determination, because you are rooted in your personal truth?

this may concern your career, life purpose, relationships, or whatever your physical life presents that is not fulfilling.

the scorpio retrograde asks us to reflect upon outdated modes of perception.  i just wrote a blog, where i was wondering about the difference between the identity of a path, and the path itself.  i thought maybe if i released judgement toward identity, it might appear that my choices toward my future have altered.

but so far, not yet.  i did the assessment on myself, only to realize, that the only reason i am considering a change in my artist path, is because i am doubting my current path.

i realized my gut is telling me to follow the “living on a prayer” path, as i like to call it, but my logical mind is wondering if this will leave me financially destitute in the future.  i made a promise to myself long ago, to no longer make choices based on fear.  last time i did, i broke my ankle.  i have to keep following my intuition.  trusting.

with clients i am seeing a similar pattern.  self doubt arising from challenges in their physical world.  the death card is showing up in every single reading, across the board.  everybody is transforming from the inside out.  the world is changing.

i know that we must work on ourselves first, but lets face it….the world needs our help.  it’s time to join together and stand up for love, compassion, awareness, social justice, and environmental health and well being.  how much does this play into our personal lives?  when does the collective agenda overpower our personal desires and goals?  it happens.  it might be happening now.

i am juggling the awareness of how badly humans are being treated in this world, how we are killing our opportunity to live on this planet, and all the darkness that is real and happening….with my own personal transformation and dedication to my essence and purpose on this planet.

i admit, part of me is fine with human extinction, cause i know i carry on after this human-suit…so it’s not such a big deal to go extinct.  i am more concerned with human welfare.  i cannot bare how much people suffer under the rule of tyranny and ignorance.  but i also don’t know what to do about it.

back to my personal life, what i can control…i find that, when contending with the reality of money, fear overwhelms. i struggle with making money as so many do.  when i think about being older and not being poor, i want to run into the safety of getting a stable career.  but that does not feel right to my soul that wants to stay one hundred percent committed to the artist and spiritual healer path.

something in me will die for my ability to make my own choice.  i would rather be true to my voice, than have money?  still?  yes, still.  it does not have to be either/or, yet it feels so distinctly either/or right now…only because my labor is not bearing fruit…yet…and maybe it wont, or maybe it’s not about the fruit i think it is about?  all i know is…my soul is in command of me and it’s not saying i cannot have money, it’s just saying, i cannot change my path just to make more of it.  so there it is.  i decide in yet another retrograde, to keep on with this path.  for now.

what i will say about self doubt is…

you first need to decide what your priority is.  is your priority self integrity, or is it practical because you have people to feed, or is it about transforming who you have been because your soul is ready to embrace a new identity?  or what?  i did my self check, and see that my priority is to listen to my soul, still.  and my soul says, stay rooted to what i have been rooting to, persevere.

i cannot go against my soul voice.  so there it is.  my soul voice can change in a blink though, and i am open to that, and will go with what i am told by my deeper self, spirit.

it’s tricky having such a practical north node (capricorn) in the most impractical house (12).  look to your north node and house to conform your intuition, is what i keep doing.  the astrological map is a comfort along the way.

i don’t know where i am going from here.  i don’t know how it’s all gonna go down.  i can’t help but to live for soul.  my lesson is to keep on trusting the way life is molding me from mud ball to pearl.  i am open, i am open.  let the blue sky today, open me more.  let me be a conduit, a catalyst, a battery, a wayshower, an awareness, let me be love.

look at your self doubt, and say, “hello, nice to meet you again, thanks for wanting to diminish me a little, so that we can fit in and be secure, it’s primal, you are the animal being animal, i appreciate that…but just gonna keep trying something new, and listen to a higher call, while i am able to.”

if it feels right…