neurotic writer banter…

i don’t know right now…i don’t know.  her reading said i wouldn’t know.  but i could not see the specifics of it till last night.  i don’t know if i want to continue on with the book i just wrote, into the next one.  or move on to new characters.  i know the book i just published could use more work.  but i don’t know if have it to give.  sometimes you have to be done with something.  i see the flaws in it.  i could go more deeply into it, getting critique.  re-writing another edition, so i can carry on into book two and the main character.  or i can just  be done and move on to a new story.

i don’t want to ever go back to this story again.  i don’t know if i can.  it’s such a sad read in the first half.  every cell in my body says, move on. but then, i am also learning how much work writing is, and how much room for improvement i have, and how i could perfect this.  but that’s mind talking.  heart wants to move on.  i could create new characters for the new idea.  maybe i don’t want to write about youth anymore and be the in the young mind.  but it’s hard to let go.  and i am not sure i should let go.  i cannot differentiate what i want yet.

i am not sure i can market this story either.  part of me wants to let it be quiet and go into the hands of those meant to read it.  i feel embarrassed to market it.   i should have come up with a fake name.  but another reading i had with another reader compelled me to be me all the way.  transparent.  i value candid honesty.  yet that does not mean i have to market this story.  i could let this be my first novel quietly.  this could be that special little raw gem from the beginning, that  i always look back on.  i don’t know.

i made the choice to take the reader into darkness and make them feel sad.  maybe that’s something i want to do again.  in a culture where we are doing everything we can to avoid those feelings, i think it’s needed.  i am fighting for the honor of tragedy, and i cannot explain why.  there’s just this sickening feeling i get about avoiding it, or trying to make it go away.  i am not in control of these feelings.  i am following an incredibly uncomfortable inner calling.

i have so much room for improvement as a writer too, that it’s hard to give something novice to others.  i don’t have a problem admitting it.   i know it’s a good story, somewhat well written, but i can do much better.  i have a lot to learn.  maybe i rushed into publishing too soon cause i was tired of working on it.  i could not do it anymore.  it’s so much more work than i thought.  i am building stamina.  and maybe it’s what it needs to be anyhow.  not everything needs to be perfect and outstanding.  some creations are beautiful because of the flaws.  i want to see the positive in what it is.  i am yearning for closure.

i knew since i was young in college learning how to write fiction, what a difficult task it is.  i have chosen something that comes less natural.  non-fiction is my easy breezy forte.  as is poetry.  i did not even choose to write fiction. it has chosen me.  these characters have come to me and i opened the door to them.  i am not thinking them up. i am remembering their story.  it’s what i am supposed to do, and it feels like an obligation.  just like tarot reading does.  well, you know, this is my jupiter in capricorn, saturn in the fifth house talking.  maybe i need to surrender the the true essence truth that when it comes to my work, i will never be light hearted.

i am going nuts in my own mind though.  the journey of committing to this art form is daunting.  it’s humbling and awkward.  i feel like i need a break from myself.  and from the heaviness.  i want to write something brand new.  because writing makes me happy.  i want to be writing again.  but not this. i am done with this story.  i might need to be done done forever.  i might need to let this be what it is with grace.  things are confusing right now.  i don’t want to fool myself.  this pisces full moon is bringing up the deep.  can i let go of “seven days”?  and how do i let go?  and should i let go?  i want to.  listen to me, it’s obvious i want to.

can i trust my feelings?  can i have the courage to bring in new characters and move on completely?  i am on the edge of a precipice.