i don’t know right now…i don’t know. her reading said i wouldn’t know. but i could not see the specifics of it till last night. i don’t know if i want to continue on with the book i just wrote, into the next one. or move on to new characters. i know the book i just published could use more work. but i don’t know if have it to give. sometimes you have to be done with something. i see the flaws in it. i could go more deeply into it, getting critique. re-writing another edition, so i can carry on into book two and the main character. or i can just be done and move on to a new story.
i don’t want to ever go back to this story again. i don’t know if i can. it’s such a sad read in the first half. every cell in my body says, move on. but then, i am also learning how much work writing is, and how much room for improvement i have, and how i could perfect this. but that’s mind talking. heart wants to move on. i could create new characters for the new idea. maybe i don’t want to write about youth anymore and be the in the young mind. but it’s hard to let go. and i am not sure i should let go. i cannot differentiate what i want yet.
i am not sure i can market this story either. part of me wants to let it be quiet and go into the hands of those meant to read it. i feel embarrassed to market it. i should have come up with a fake name. but another reading i had with another reader compelled me to be me all the way. transparent. i value candid honesty. yet that does not mean i have to market this story. i could let this be my first novel quietly. this could be that special little raw gem from the beginning, that i always look back on. i don’t know.
i made the choice to take the reader into darkness and make them feel sad. maybe that’s something i want to do again. in a culture where we are doing everything we can to avoid those feelings, i think it’s needed. i am fighting for the honor of tragedy, and i cannot explain why. there’s just this sickening feeling i get about avoiding it, or trying to make it go away. i am not in control of these feelings. i am following an incredibly uncomfortable inner calling.
i have so much room for improvement as a writer too, that it’s hard to give something novice to others. i don’t have a problem admitting it. i know it’s a good story, somewhat well written, but i can do much better. i have a lot to learn. maybe i rushed into publishing too soon cause i was tired of working on it. i could not do it anymore. it’s so much more work than i thought. i am building stamina. and maybe it’s what it needs to be anyhow. not everything needs to be perfect and outstanding. some creations are beautiful because of the flaws. i want to see the positive in what it is. i am yearning for closure.
i knew since i was young in college learning how to write fiction, what a difficult task it is. i have chosen something that comes less natural. non-fiction is my easy breezy forte. as is poetry. i did not even choose to write fiction. it has chosen me. these characters have come to me and i opened the door to them. i am not thinking them up. i am remembering their story. it’s what i am supposed to do, and it feels like an obligation. just like tarot reading does. well, you know, this is my jupiter in capricorn, saturn in the fifth house talking. maybe i need to surrender the the true essence truth that when it comes to my work, i will never be light hearted.
i am going nuts in my own mind though. the journey of committing to this art form is daunting. it’s humbling and awkward. i feel like i need a break from myself. and from the heaviness. i want to write something brand new. because writing makes me happy. i want to be writing again. but not this. i am done with this story. i might need to be done done forever. i might need to let this be what it is with grace. things are confusing right now. i don’t want to fool myself. this pisces full moon is bringing up the deep. can i let go of “seven days”? and how do i let go? and should i let go? i want to. listen to me, it’s obvious i want to.
can i trust my feelings? can i have the courage to bring in new characters and move on completely? i am on the edge of a precipice.