friday night blog

there’s something to be said about following a dream.

the dream: a longing of the heart…something that may not always feel good, but feels compelling nonetheless…like a strange green caterpillar sitting on your back pack after you come back from a pee in the woods…

that’s a real memory.  though i was not peeing in the woods.  it was camp.  maybe i was ten.  we were all eating lunch.  humid american cheese slices on soggy bread, smelling like melted plastic and paper bag.  smashing mosquitos on my thigh, making perfect circles of blood.  dreading whatever was coming next.  fishing in the brown lake.  torturing animals.  doing something where there is a winner.  blah blah blah.  camp.

anyhow…when i returned to my back pack, leaning against the inner leg of a picnic table…there was a neon green caterpillar sitting on the top.  i thought maybe it was a fake.  maybe somebody was playing a joke on me.

i walked up to it slowly.  scared.  awed.  it had a big fat head.  with bulging red eyes.  the closer i got, the more fake it looked.  i was sure it was made of plastic.  i came right up to the thing and touched its back with my index finger.  right as i did that, its eyes protruded outward from the sockets…pretty cartoon-like far…and then went back in.

like a chihuahua i ran backward, terrified.  when i returned to my back pack a few minutes later, it was gone.

nature spoke to me all the time when i was a kid.  i had a close relationship with it, much closer than with human beings.  it probably was the catalyst to my spiritual desires, moments such as those.  when i could feel nature telling me something, though i never knew what.  no wonder today, i am obsessed with translating the language of stones, trees, galaxies, souls…

the longings of the heart are so precious.  little treasures.  i don’t mean to sound like a gooey greeting card.  i mean…i am thinking…back to being a kid…how my heart felt.  i remember so clearly…how i felt… when i was hanging out in the woods, or when i touched that bug, or encountered that snake, or tore onions up from the earth and popped them in my mouth….

when puberty hit other longings took over.  the longing to find a true love.  the longing for success.  to be pretty.  wanted.  understood.  actualized.  self obsession took hold.  pain and suffering and that whole territory.  my relationship with nature took a back seat to hormones and the desire to fulfill personal goals.

it’s weird how that happened…

for this reason i wish to live in a house again like i did growing up.  we always lived against the woods.  i always hung out in the woods.  i miss that.  i miss being close to nature.

the city life feeds me in a different way.  a pigeon way.  it’s growing my character.  chaos can be a conduit or fuel.  i have been fascinated with dilapidation, and concrete and skyscrapers for a long time.  showing up around a bunch a humans all the time, with fashionable outfits on, being a character of the self…has it’s fun and merit…

but i miss nature…and i feel sick of city life sometimes.

am i calling out for a different kind of life, or saying goodbye to a kind of life i can’t go back to?

not sure which…

probably both.

and it does not matter.  there are larger lessons at work.  larger expansion.  new ways to live altogether that are not broken up into these categories.

i guess in this way, i am calling out for wholeness….a way of life not missing a part, or repressing a part because another part is over compensating…

i look to the interior and see myself mending tears and bringing wholeness to the parts within, so that i may be a conduit for further evolution of myself, my perception, and my way of life.  little moments like the green caterpillar one, remind me to embrace the unknown, the eerie, and the fantastic.  don’t know why i am thinking about it.

just am…