healing karma…

i can barely see because i am writing this at a cafe on capital hill, outside, under a bright sun.  it’s saturday.  saturn’s day.  and i am thinking about my chart,

last night at vajra, a fellow reader and friend, was giving me insights about my natal chart from an evolutionary astrology perspective.  i was blown away by the insights because it made sense of a life long wound in my unconscious, the soul level pain, from other lives, pain collected.

i remember still, a dream when i was five years old.  of being taken by men in robes, kidnapped.  i remember another dream, where i am a slave working in regular stores, part of a slave trade that kept itself secret.  if we told anyone we were slaves bad things would happen.  in yet another dream i escape the slavery i am a part of, in india.  each dream takes place in another country.  another land.  these are past lives.

not everyone believes in past lives, and that’s ok.  the reason i believe in them is because i remember them.  if i did not experience my past lives, i probably would not believe in them either, because i tend to put truth in the realm of personal experience, where as my metaphysical ponderings remain loose and flexible ideas that may or may not be true.

truth is a feeling, not a thought….

these past lives reveal themselves in my natal chart, through the relationships uranus and her house (the 11th house) have with other planets, directly.   karma is emotional residue carried within the soul, into lives from other lives.   when we let go of these feelings, we release this karma.  my past life karma is still active, as i am riddled with the fear of losing my sovereignty to an oppressive or violent force outside of myself.

this new  insight has sparked a storm inside of me.  i woke up this morning feeling these past  lives, feeling rage, terror, fear, sorrow, and despair.  yet the whole time, observing these feelings, not so much participating in them…but just feeling them and understanding why they are there, giving them compassion, and unconditional love.

how i will let these feelings go, is through the creative process.  i feel it stirring.  will it be a story?  a painting?  a manifesto?  a poem?  i don’t know yet.  the book i have just finished writing is not so much about my uranus transit wounding, not so much about losing power in that fashion.  it’s more about losing sexual power.  which is more about healing the feminine wound.

which i guess is uranus stuff too.  for…the feminine wound is about losing our power to a larger force, that does not have our best interests at heart.  be it through the overt form or covert form of economic enslavement, or the enslavement of the body for the pleasure and victory of another, the enslavement of the heart, or the enslavement of a race, sexual preference, or gender… it’s the same pain, when you boil it down.

some people need the victim mentality to bring justice to their pain.  i used to need a victim mentality myself.  i needed to say, “fuck you” and “poor me” in order to cope with life, and handle the pain.  but eventually the victim mentality brought me more suffering.  i began to self fulfill the prophesy handed to me by those who hurt me.

i became a self abuser due to the victim mentality….not through drug or alcohol abuse….but through daily self inflicted emotional abuse.  telling myself how bad i am every day.  feeling worthless.  seeing myself in a negative light.  you know the score…

it was not until i began to create space between me and my thoughts, that i could see that my story of how awful i am, or my story of suffering, was nothing more than a story.  and with that insight, all suffering slithered away.  i was left with the pure feelings beneath the story, of rage, sorrow, despair, and terror….all globular, wet, and eyeless, like the most primordial sea creatures you could imagine.

i learned how to express these sea creature feelings without the story.  sometimes by crying for days.  sometimes through painting.   and often through creating experiences that would bring me to core of my shadow self.  the feeling of….SHAME.

i brought shame to tea.

this is the process…

over tea, i gave shame dignity, respect, and compassion, until shame began to dissolve little by little… like the way the feeling of a dream dissolves throughout the day after you wake up.

but there is still more work to do….

not everybody needs to do past life work.  you can heal past lives in this life, without ever knowing about your past lives.  remember, karma’s gift is that we can heal from it in the present moment.  karma is emotion.  you just need to feel the emotion.

how?

the stories in your present life of how people hurt you….are manifested unconsciously from these emotions, from your karma, to give you the opportunity to take your karma to tea, feel it, heal it, let it go, and forgive.

for instance…if you die in another life filled with shame in your heart from what you experienced in that life,…you are born into your next life, filled with that same shame in your unconscious….and that same shame, now unconscious, will magnetize the people and experiences to you, that will allow you to feel the same shame on a conscious level so you can heal it.

if you need the victim mind set to cope, that’s ok.  you can say to the person who hurt you, “fuck you”.  you can say to yourself, “poor me”.  you can steep in the victim story as long as you need, for refuge.  you can use it to make you feel better.  but be for-warned.  the victim story will bring you to deeper pain.  because it’s outcome is that you are powerless.  it does not recognize that you unconsciously manifested the hurtful person into your life, in order to remember the shame you carry, so that you can heal that shame, and move on.

the only way out is through.  sorry.  nature wrote it that way.

the only way to get poop out of your body, is to poop.  the only way to let shame or sorrow, or anger, or despair out of your body, is to feel it.

thing is, we have forgotten as a people, that feelings are ok to feel.  you can be filled with sorrow, and nothing bad will happen.  feeling rage wont make a boogie man appear to hurt you.  but we tend to think, that the feelings alone will devour us, because we can’t see an end to them, and we fear that if we begin to let ourselves feel something intense like despair, it will be ceaseless.

fear not.  feelings are like weather.  all weather continually changes.  your sorrow storm will pass.  and just like rain, it will cleanse the land that is you.  your anger volcano will stop seething.  and new life will be built.

we must learn to approach the darkness without judgement.  see it for what it is.  how nature sees.  we must be like nature to flow, because we are nature.  if we try to avoid nature, by avoiding ourselves and resisting our feelings, then we create sickness.  it’s that simple.

i often get exhausted from transforming, healing, growing.  some of us have more intense karma than others.  my eight and twelfth house activity in my chart suggests i have a heavy load of intense karma.  not fun.  so much of my life has been about re-experiencing darkness to feel my karma, let it go, and forgive.  that’s the last part of the process…

once we feel, we let go.  and in this letting go….we forgive.

forgiveness is the most powerful of all the feelings.  it will turn water into wine and poison into nectar.  essentially, forgiveness is about giving love and compassion to the person who hurt you, including yourself, no matter what.  even if it’s the most sick in the head abusive shadow of a person imaginable…all the way to the kind person who didn’t realize what they said was hurtful.

if you can forgive, you are free.  this is what i am striving for.

nature is all forgiving.  and some disgusting what the fuck shit happens in nature.  but isn’t that just me being judgmental?  and, aren’t i judging because i am terribly afraid?  yes.

really…everything simply is.  that’s the center (if you could pinpoint a center for a brief moment, before it turns into nothingness.)